Harry Potter and Hermione's Baby Daddy
by RPG Girl
Summary: WARNING: THIS IS A PARODY. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE BAD. I WROTE THIS IN 8TH GRADE. Hermione wakes up naked one day and doesn't know who she was with. Later on, she discovers she's pregnant. Turns out the Baby Daddy is someone she hates! Multiple love triangles. RATED M for ADULT CONTENT. Semi AU. CURRENTLY ON HIATUS WITH THIS STORY UNLESS I GET MORE INTEREST.
1. Hangover from Hell!

**Hermione Granger lies passed out on a dirty old bed in the middle of a half-lit room. **

**Not much can be found in this room. Only the bed in the far right corner, a weird slimy pole near a rusty ole door, an ugly trunk in front of the bed and a few shelves on the walls. **

**The shelves are strewn with many items: whips, condom boxes, handcuffs; ropes.**

** Hermione's eyes slowly flick open and closed as she finally gains consciousness. **

**Moaning; she finally gets her eyes all the way open. But, has to shade them with her hands because the small hanging light bulb gives her a headache.**

**"Oh. I must have been drinking"she moans as she slowly sits up in bed and takes in the scenery around her.**

** Strewn across the floor are millions of empty beer and wine bottles.**

**"Yep, I was drinking... I wonder who I was with?"she says to herself,"It's obvious we were drunk together... and, the fact that I'm naked obviously means we had sex... Well, who cares who it was. All that matters is if we used a condom."**

**All of a sudden, she spots a used condom beside her. Picking it up with her thumb and forefinger, she examines it and is shocked to see it broken.**

**"Oh no! Oh no. no. no. no. NO! That's not good!"she says panicky,"I need Harry and Ron and I need them now!"**

**Then, quickly pulling the sheets around her, she gets out of bed and rushes for the door. **

**She puts her ear against it to see if anyone is coming and then opens the door.**

**Looking down the hall to her right, she notices the floor is strewn with even more beer and wine bottles.**

**"What the hell! I must never get this way again, seriously!"she thinks in her head. **

**Then, closing the door behind her, she begins to walk down the hall; thinking to herself the whole time she walks.**

**"I wonder what time it is?","How long was I passed out?", "I really want to know who I was with! I hope it wasn't someone really ugly!"**

**In about a minute, she reaches the stairs that lead up to the Great Hall and begins walking up them.**

**At the top, she notices that the Great Hall is desolate. **

**"Hmm.. is everyone asleep?"she wonders out loud. ****Then continues on towards the Great Staircase.**

**Once there, she notices that the giant clock above the stairs reads "3 a.m". "**

**What the- last time I saw a clock, it read 7:00p.m... what day was that? AGH! If only I could remember!"she says while scratching her head. Then, she tiptoes up the stairs. **

**At the top, she catches her breath and then heads to the left; towards the staircase which leads to the Gryffindor common room and sleeping quarters.**

** Deep in thought; she barely notices the wide-eyed Peeves hovering in front of her. "Well. Well. Well. What have we here?"he cackles. **

**His cackle brings her out of thought. "Oh. Hello Peeves."she says as she pulls the sheet tighter around her. **

**"Her-Hiney... what's with the sheet?"he says with a smirk,"Naked, are we? I wouldn't have taken you for the kind of girl to just throw her clothes off for any boy! Was it Potter?" **

**Hermione glares at him. "Peeves, move out of my way!"she growls and tries to walk around him. **

**"Nu-uh! You're not going anywhere!"he says with an evil smile,"Not until I get a little bit of that razzle-dazzle show you gave Potter!"**

** "It wasn't Harry!"she yells,"I don't know who it was, but, I know it wasn't him!"**

** Peeves throws his head back in l****aughter. "Not only did you have sex! But, you can't remember who with! And you say you're an innocent virgin? HA!"he laughs,"Now, about that show?"**

** Hermione rolls her eyes at him and tries one more time to get past. ****He grabs a hold of her arm.**

**"Fine! Will you promise to move if I show you?"Hermione says impatiently. ****Peeves sticks his tongue out and shakes his head 'yes'. **

**Hermione sighs and nervously unwraps the sheet. It slowly drops to her feet, unveiling her breasts, stomach; everything. **

**She stands there; shyly, hand****s covering her breasts and pubic region. Peeve's eye's bulge out and her face turns a bright shade of red.**

** "Dance? Dance for daddy?"he says while drooling. **

**"EEW! Hell no!"Hermione says disgusted and grabs the sheet off the floor.**

**"HEY! That can't be all! Now, Dance!" Peeves yells. Hermione gives him the cold shoulder as she quickly wraps the sheet around her. **

**"You bitch! Do what I say! Dance!"he yells. She ignores his rude remarks and sprints around him to the staircase. Peeves flies after her, yelling the whole time.**

**She makes it before Peeves; the portrait of the Fat Lady glaring, having been woken up from the noise."Now, what is all this ruckus?"she yells and stops when she sees Hermione,"Hermione? What are you doing out here, so late?" **

**Hermione looks behind her, then says"I don't know... I, uh, woke up naked in a strange room and, I have no idea how I wound up there!"The Fat Lady shakes her head and yawns."Oh well. Password?"she says. **

**Hermione scratches her head,"Uh... Usancundum? No... Useacungum? Not that either... OH! I know. Useacondom!"The door swings open in front of her. **

**"That's right, dearie. Now go right in" Hermione slowly walks through the doorway; the portrait shutting behind her. **

**"What is that ruckus?"she yells as Peeves flies up the stares and stops right in front of her.**

**"Fat Woman! Where's that Whore-Hiney gone to?"he yells.**

**"You listen here, you nitwit! Hermione has gone to bed! Now, you hush up your ruckus or I'll send the Bloody Baron on you!"she yells. **

**Peeves sticks his tongue out at her."Yeah, whatever. You bore me."he says and then flies off down the stairs."I swear!"she says and then closes her eyes..**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	2. Some Friendly Support

**Hermione looks around the common room.**

** Everything seems the same except for a half eaten cake which lies upon the small coffee table in front of the fireplace and the light scent of booze in the air.**

**"If I remember correctly, wasn't it my birthday last night?"she says aloud as she stares at the cake,"Yeah... my 17th...man was that cake good..."**

** She stares at the cake for a moment, then heads up the stairs to the boy's dormitory.**

**Once at the top, she tiptoes through the door to her right. Twelve beds lie against the walls in this room; trunks at the feet of each one.**

** Upon each bed, a student lies asleep, snoring peacefully. Neville sleeping with a teddy bear and Seamus Finnegan sucking his thumb. **

**Near the northern wall of the room; a full moon can be seen lurking in the sky outside of a small bay window. **

**To both sides of this window, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley lay asleep in their beds. Ron to the left of it and Harry to the right. **

**With a smirk upon her face, she tiptoes across the room towards Ron's bed.**

**"Awe. Look at him sleeping!"she thinks to herself as she stands beside his bed,"Too bad I gotta wake him up!" **

**Then, with a quick swipe of her hand, she slaps him aside the face."OW! Fuck!"he shouts and sits up in bed,"What the hell-?" **

**He stops short when he sees Hermione standing beside his bed in only a sheet.**

**"Hermione? What're you doing here, dear?"he whispers,"This is the boys dorm. And you're not a boy; you're a girl! Wait a sec- you and Harry had sex, didn't yah? Awe. I knew this day would come!" **

**Hermione rolls her eyes. "No, I didn't have sex with Harry. I don't know who I had sex with, but, I know it wasn't Harry!"she says annoyed, "Now, get out of bed and wait for me. I'm gonna wake up Harry. Then, we're going downstairs to the commons to talk."**

** Ron slips out from under his covers wearing only a pair of small speedo underwear.**

**"Ron, put some clothes on, will yah?"Hermione says and then tiptoes over to Harry's bed. **

**Ron grabs his silk robe off of of its hook beside his bed and slips it on. Then he follows behind Hermione.**

**Harry lies in bed, making circular motions with his hands like he's rubbing something and mumbling something in his sleep,"Hermione... ohh, that's it... mmm." **

**Hermione bursts out in quiet laughter. She grabs his glass of water off his night stand and leans over him.**

**"Nice way to wake him up"Ron says quietly from behind her.**

** She smiles and then splashes the water on his face. Harry's eyes pop open and his hands shoot up and land right on her boobs.**

** Her face turns red."H-hey, Hermione. Whatcha doing in here?" he says nervously and squeezes her boobs gently,"Did we have sex?"**

** She snarls and slaps him across the face."What the hell was that for?"he says rudely as he grips his face.**

**"You know very damn well what that was for, you pervert! Now, get your glasses on and meet us downstairs!" Hermione whispers loudly. **

**Then she grabs Ron by his wrist and lightly storms out of the room.**

** Harry reaches for his glasses on the nightstand and then puts them on.**

**"What the hell is her problem?"He yawns and then slips out of bed; stumbling towards the exit like a zombie.**

**Down in the common room, the three sat around the small coffee table. Hermione sitting in a big red arm chair while the other two sit upon a love seat staring at the half-eaten cake on the coffee table.**

**"So, Hermione, what the hell is this about?"Harry asks rudely,"What was so important that you had to wake us up in the middle of the night?" **

**Ron nods his head in agreement as he grabs some of the cake to eat,"Yeah. What's up?" **

**Hermione shrugs and says,"Oh, nothing much... that is, if you consider waking up naked in the middle of an unknown bed covered in stains; not knowing how you got there or who you were with; or what time it was for that matter, nothing...!" **

**Harry's mouth falls open and Ron gives her a confused look.**

**"Well? Aren't you two gonna say anything?"Hermione says meanly,"I feel bad here! Help?" **

**No one says anything for a while; then Ron finally speaks,"So, you don't know who you were with, huh...? Well, that's... crappy!"**

**Hermione rolls her eyes at him.**

**"Well, uh, do you remember anything about last night?"Harry asks her. **

**Hermione thinks for a second, then says,"As I recall, it was my birthday, Harry, am I right?" ****Harry nods his head 'yes'.**

**"My 17th birthday, to be exact!"she adds.**

**"****So, what do you remember about your birthday?" Harry asks. **

**Hermione scratches her head and says,"Well, I remember you giving me this cake and a present..."**

** "You don't remember the champagne? You were the one to chug down half of it!"Harry asks her. **

**Hermione's eyes light up in remembrance.**

**"Oh yeah! But, if I recall properly, you were the one to chug down half, first!"she adds,"Didn't Dobby give it to me? Or was that Winky? I don't remember..." **

**"It was Dobby"Harry says,"Anyway, all I know is, you and I finished it off... Everything after that, i can't remember.. It's as if I just blacked it all out..."**

** "I know what you mean..."Hermione agrees.**

**All of a sudden, Ron bursts out in laughter; cake flying out of his mouth.**

**"Maybe you_ two _slept together!"he says in-between laughs,"And, you both passed out afterwards and totally forgot!" **

**Hermione and Harry shoot him mean glances.**

**"Okay! Never mind! It was just an idea!"Ron says cowering on the other end of the love seat.**

**"Tell me this: how could Hermione and I have had sex if she woke up in the dungeons and I woke up in a broom closet in the Main Hall?"Harry says meanly. **

**Hermione and Ron laugh at the thought of Harry in a closet."Oh, shut-up!"Harry yells.**

** Hermione giggles, then says to Ron,"Where were you, Mr Speedo pants?"**

** "I was on a date!"Ron says with a smug smirk."Ooh! With who?"Hermione asks."Seamus Finnegan! Hot stud to the extreme!"Ron says happily.**

**Harry gives Ron a weird look."What? Seamus? Are you gay?"he asks. **

**Ron looks at him and quickly says,"Wait-what? Of course I'm not gay!"**

** "But, you just said you went on a date with Seamus!"Harry says.**

**"You must have heard me wrong? I said I went on a- a double date with Seamus. Silly Harry!"Ron says smoothly,"I went with a.. hot girl.. with- Big Boobs!"**

**Harry smirks at him and laughs.**

**"Well, I really hope we find out who he was.."Hermione says sadly as she looks down at her hands,"Cause, you see: when I woke up, there was a-a broken condom beside me!" And she begins to cry. **

**"There. there. It'll be okay, sweetie."Ron says. Then he gets off the couch and walks over to where Hermione is; hugging her around the shoulders.**

**"We'll find this mystery person soon. No worries!"he says softly,"Who knows? Maybe you had sex with a ghost?"**

**Hermione smiles up at him and says,"Thanks! That makes me feel better!" And she hugs him back.**

**"Well, Hermione, Harry and I are gonna go upstairs and sleep." Ron says to her,"So, we'll see yah later."**

** Hermione stands up from the chair to exchange hugs with Ron and Harry. Harry giving her a quick kiss on the cheek making her face turn bright pink. **

**Then, Harry and Ron disappear up the stairs to the boy's sleeping quarters. **

**Hermione is glued to the spot she stands at; touching the place on her face that Harry kissed.**

**"He-he kissed me.."she stutters quietly, "Does he like me?"**

** She stands there for a minute rubbing her cheek softly and staring at the half-eaten cake. **

**Then, she slowly heads towards the staircase leading to the girl's sleeping dorm and takes them two at a time.**

**Once there, she heads into her room and quietly walks to her bed which lies beside a window just like the one in Harry and Ron's room.**

**"Where are my robes?"she thinks to herself,"And my wand?" **

**Then, she bends down to open her trunk. Quietly shuffling through the items, she searches for her lost belongings; to find no sign of them.**

**"This is not good! I'll fail if I don't find them!"She says quietly; on the verge of tears,"First the room and condom thing, then the memory loss and now this? It's a conspiracy, I know it!" **

**Then, she stands up and walks to the side of her bed where her small dresser lies. She grabs out a pair of pajama bottoms and a tank top and quickly throws them on.**

**"Finally dressed"she says as she slips into bed,"I'll leave my troubles behind, right now, so I can rest." Soon sleep overcomes her and she passes out.**

**When she arises, she notices that she is the last one left in the room.**

**"Did I oversleep?"she says to herself as she sits up and slips out of bed. **

**The clock on her nightstand indicates that she's missed twenty minutes of potions class.**

**"Great! He's gonna yell at me!"she says,"Which reminds me, where are my robes and wand?"**

**She looks around the room and still no sign of her lost items. **

**After five minutes of searching, she gives up hope."I'll just throw on some jeans and a sweater"she says,"Hopefully they'll turn up somewhere." **

**Once dressed, she grabs her quills and parchment and heads out the door.**

**A few minutes later, she finds herself out of breath in front of Professor Snape's potion class down in the dungeons. **

**She catches her breath, then slowly opens the classroom door and walks in. ****All eyes turn to look at her. **

**Snape walks up to her and says"Well, well, Miss Granger, so nice of you to have joined us late! Ten points from Gryffindor!" **

**Gripes and gaffaws are heard from the Gryffindor students. **

**"But, Professor! Don't you want to know why I'm late?"she says."No, I could care less!"Snape snarls.**

**"But, Professor! I can't find my-!"she begins, but is cut off by Snape."I believe you're missing your robes and wand, if I'm not mistaken!"he says with a smirk,"I have them in my office! Albus found them in the Great Hall." **

**Hermione sighs."Thank gosh!"she says happily,"May I have them, Professor?" Severus shoots her an evil look. "You may have them after class!"he snarls,"But, don't think you're getting off this easily! Five points from Gryffindor for your lack of responsibility for your own items and disrupting my class! Now, go sit down!"**

**Hermione frowns and walks towards her seat between Ron and Harry. She sits down and sets her things upon her desk.**

**"Why were you late?"Ron asks her quietly."I lost my robes and wand."Hermione whispers back, "But, luckily Dumbledore found them!"**

**Snape shoots an annoyed look their way."Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley, Do shut up!"he barks,"Now, class, we shall continue on with our lessons without Weasley or Granger interrupting us!" He shoots them a mean look. Hermione sinks down in her seat, embarrassed.**

**"Now, class, today, we will learn a wit-sharpening potion"he explains,"Seeing as how most of you have been acting quite imbecilic, lately!" And class continues on.**

**RING!**

**A ring of a bell signifies that class is over. Everyone hustles out of the potions classroom leaving Harry, Ron and Hermione behind.**

** "You left your clothes in the Great Hall?"Harry whispers to her,"What did you do? Strip down there and go streaking around the school?" **

**Ron giggles and Hermione shoots them a mean look. **

**Severus comes out of his office, carrying Hermione's robes and wand in his arms. Hermione sees them and sighs in relief.**

**"I see Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley have decided to join us."he says meanly,"Afraid I'm going to kidnap Miss Granger or something of that sort?" **

**Hermione makes a disgusted face as Snape smirks at her with a raised brow. **

**"May I have my things, now, Professor?"she says; holding her hands out to him.**

**"Yes. But, next time, do remember where you decide to strip your clothes off, Miss Granger!"he snaps and shoves the clothes into her hands; his hands lingering a little longer than they should, "Now, Leave me be!" **

**And he storms off into his office.**

**Hermione hugs her things as she walks out of the class; Harry and Ron following her.**

**"Eew.. that whole idea of Professor Snape kidnapping me gives me the heebie-jeebies!"she says while shivering.**

**"I agree!" Harry says,"Why'd he feel the need to bring that up?" **

**Ron shrugs and says,"Oh well, whatever. So, Hermione, what're we gonna do about this mysterious person?"**

** "You know, I have no idea.."Hermione says as they approach the steps that lead out of the dungeons. **

**"I have an idea!"Harry says,"We could question people and see if they saw Hermione with anyone last night?" They begin walking up the steps.**

**"And, what would we say exactly?"Ron asks.**

**"Just be all like: Would you happen to have seen Hermione with anyone last night? Or something along those lines..."Hermione suggests.**

**"Oh...okay!"Ron says. **

**At the top of the stairs, Hermione bids them good-bye. "I must go to Arithmancy, so, I'll see you later!"she says and runs off to class. **

**Harry turns to Ron and says,"Do you think she's still upset?" Ron shrugs.**

**"Dunno. Ready to go to Care of Magical creatures?"Harry asks. Ron nods his head yes and they head off.**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	3. There's a WHAT in the school!

**7:00. **

**Classes had ended about an hour ago; the hallways empty and quiet with the students gone and in their common rooms.**

** The only thing to be found in the halls, is a tired looking Hermione Granger. **

**Her Arithmancy class had just ended about 5 minutes ago. **

**"I do so enjoy arithmancy"she sighs,"But, why do I take it if it keeps on wearing me out?" **

**Then, slowly, but surely, she makes her way to the stairs of the Gryffindor common room. **

**She reaches the bottom step and sits down; too tired to walk up the stairs.**

**"I'm just gonna rest.. for a while.."she says tiredly and closes her eyes. Within seconds, she's dozing off and dreaming :**

_**"Hic! You're so...funny!"she giggles; her words slurring,"Where...are..we going? I wanna go back with Harry!" **_

_**Looking down at herself, she sees that she's in her plain pink sweater-jeans outfit with her robes thrown over them and that the strong smell of alcohol lingers upon her breath.**_

_** Beside her stands a tall; black haired figure of a man. He's looking down at her and stroking her head.**_

_**"Hermione, my dear child, I'm not telling you where we are going. It would take the fun out of it!"he says with a smirk and plants a quick kiss on her lips,"Now, let us hurry up before someone sees us!"**_

_**Then, grabbing her by the wrist, he whisks her towards the small stairs that lead towards the dungeons.**_

_**"The dungeons? Hic!"she says,"I'm not going down there with you!" **_

_**An evil glare spreads across the figure's blurred face."Oh yes you are!"he growls, and begins pulling her towards the stairs.**_

_** Hermione tries fighting him off, but the alcohol she drank is making her vision blurry and she begins feeling dizzy. **_

_**The figure manages to get her to the top of the stairs. She looks down at the stairs; trying to concentrate on them enough to go. **__**But her vision is too blurred.**_

_**"Oh, for Christ's sake!"the figure yells, impatiently and pushes her forward. Hermione loses her balance and goes tumbling down the stairs. **_

_**Everything goes black.**_

**"Hermione? Hermione?" Hermione awakens to the sound of Parvati's voice."P-Parvati? Is that you?"she mumbles and slowly opens her eyes.**

**"Well, of course it's me!"Parvati says,"Are you okay? You fell asleep on the stairs to our common room. I was worried you were knocked out by someone or something!" **

**Hermione looks around her and then slowly stands up; Parvati pulling her up by the arm.**

**"What are you doing out here, Parvati?"Hermione asks,"Everyone else is in their common rooms, fucking around with each other, as usual!."**

** Parvati shrugs and says,"Oh, nothing..." Hermione smirks at her and says,"Do you really expect me to believe that 'Oh, nothing.." crap?" **

**Parvati sighs and says,"Fine. Promise to keep it a secret if I tell you?" Hermione pinky swears.**

**"Okay, well, you know the statue of the witch outside of the Ravenclaw's common rooms?"Parvati says.**

** Hermione nods her head 'yes'.**

**"Well, if you press her left boob; right where the nipple should be, a secret set of stairs will open right behind it, in the ground." **

**Hermione's eyes widen with curiosity, "Really?" **

**"Yep! And down those stairs, is a sort of brothel"Parvati explains,"It's pretty much a place to get drunk and pay to have sex with people. Pays really well..." **

**"Wow! I never thought we'd have something like that, here!"Hermione says excited,"But, it can't pay well, though! I mean, it's in the middle of a school!"**

**"Girlfriend, how do you think I got these boobs? _Working for that brothel!_ Allot of the students here have their mommies and daddies send them money and the brothel is where they spend it! How else do you think allot of us kids are able to go shopping everyday down at Hogsmeade?"Parvati says with her hands on her hips,****" Anyway, Seeing as you never have fun, I can get you a job there, if you'd like?"**

**"You would? When?"Hermione says happily."We can go right now, if you'd like?"Parvati says,"But, I gotta warn yah: You won't like the manager, much!" **

**"Screw the manager! I want money!"Hermione says enthusiastically.**

**"Then follow me"Parvati says and begins to walk off in the direction of the Ravenclaw commons; Hermione following close behind.**

**They reach the statue, and, just like Parvati said, there's a button you press right where the nipple of the witches left boob should be. **

**She presses it and a quiet scraping sound is heard; followed by the noise of laughter and drunken conversations.**

**"Well, here we are"Parvati says,"Let's go!" Then she walks behind the statue, steps through the hole, and walks down the stairs. Hermione follows after her.**

**At the bottom, she sees that the stairs lead to a huge room; about the size of a good sized store the muggles call a "gas station".**

** To the left of the stairs is a long bar. Multiple students are straddled upon bar stools; sipping away at drinks and chatting. **

**To the right of the stairs are a couple of small tables with benches; full of noisy and drunk students. **

**In the back of the room is a hallway, with a red; silk sheet draped across the entrance way.**

**"What's behind that curtain?"Hermione asks. Parvati shoos the question away and says,"Never mind that! Follow me over to the bar." **

**They make their way over to the bar; where a familiar face greets them. The face of none other than Argus Filch. **

**"_FILCH? WHAT?_" Hermione thinks,"_Why would he be running this place? That pervert!_"**

** Filch flashes them an evil smile;"Why, hello, Ms. Patil and... _Ms. Granger_! What brings you two here tonight? It is your night off, after all, Patil."**

**Hermione begins feeling uncomfortable as Filch stares at her with his ugly gray eyes.**

**"Hermione, here, would like to be hired as one of your brothel women" Parvati explains. **

**Filch gives a little smirk and says,"Is that so, Ms. Granger?"**

** Hermione nods her head 'yes' nervously.**

**"Well, I'm sure you'll be a nice addition to my little group of... Angels"he says pervertedly,"Just look at all the wandering eyes... We'll have to get you a new outfit, but, you'll be fine!" **

**"Should I take her behind the curtain, now?"Parvati asks Filch. Filch nods his head 'yes'.**

**"Come on, Hermione, this way"Parvati says, and heads towards the curtained hallway. Hermione avoids Filch's glance and follows after Parvati.**

**Parvati reaches the curtain; draws it back and they walk into the hallway; the curtain falling back down behind them. **

**They are now in an empty hallway, doors lining the walls.**

**"Where are we?" Hermione asks her while looking all around."We're in the brothel."Parvati shrugs, "All these doors you see are the rooms where us 'Angels' work. And that door down at the very end: that is our resting room and powder room. We can refresh ourselves there after every 'Customer'.**

**"Hermione just nods her head and continues looking at the doors.**

**"Well, you can head down there now and pick up your outfit"Parvati says,"I'm going back to our commons." **

**"Parvati? While you are there, will you tell Harry and Ron to wait up for me?"Hermione asks her.**

**"Sure thing"Parvati says,"G'night!" She lifts up the curtain and is gone.**

** "Well, Hermione, this is your new job... hope you enjoy it!"Hermione says and starts to walk down the hall slowly.**

**On her way down; she notices each door is labeled. "Masochism" "On the beach" "Bed" "Hot tub".**

**"Wow. Interesting.."Hermione says out loud. Within seconds, she reaches the room at the end and knocks upon the door. **

**"Who is it?" a squeaky voice says from behind the door."Uh- Hermione? I've been hired to work here in the brothel and am here to get my outfit"she says. **

**The door swings open and a scantily dressed Padma Patil stand before her.**

**"Hermione? You work here now?"she says surprised,"Never would have guessed yo****u for the 'bed hopping' type!" **

**Hermione rolls her eyes and says,"I never have fun! I want money and your sis told me about this place. So, can I come in now?" **

**Padma steps off to the side and she walks into the room; Padma shutting the door behind her.**

**The room is quite small, but very beautiful looking. **

**All along the walls are vanities with small perfume bottles and accessories. ****Strewn upon the floors are multiple cushions made of silk. ****Draping down from the ceiling are silk curtains.**

**"So are you going to stay here tonight and work or are you leaving?"Padma asks; bringing her out of looking around at the room.**

**"Oh. I'm leaving. I just came by to get my outfit"Hermione says.**

**"Okay. Just sit tight for a second and I'll get it"Padma says and strolls over to a small closet in the farthest corner of the room. **

**She opens the door and grabs out a small; skimpy outfit.**

**"This is it: all you'll need to wear"Padma says with a wink as Hermione looks at the outfit: A small halter top complete with a mini skirt and garters.**

**"Looks nice.."Hermione says nervously.**

**"Well, I shall see you tomorrow!"Padma says and pushes Hermione out of the room. **

**The door slams behind Hermione and she slowly walks down the hall back to bar area.**

**Once at the curtain, she lifts it and steps underneath into the bar area. **

**A couple of heads turn to face her; including that of a certain student: Draco Malfoy.**

**"Well, if it isn't the mud-blood!"he says with a smirk,"Come to get a piece of the brothel, eh? Tired of your boring old life?" **

**Hermione growls at him and walks on past."Hey, mudblood! I was talking to you!"he yells after her.**

** She ignores him and walks right up the stairs; out of the bar. **

**At the top; she begins sprinting towards the Gryffindor common room stairs to make sure no one sees her.**

**Once there, she takes a quick rest at the bottom and runs up the stairs to the top. **

**She approaches the portrait of the Fat Lady and notices her scratching her crotch."Uh, hello, why are yah scratching your crotch?"Hermione asks her. **

**The Fat Lady turns red in the face and stops scratching."I have crabs!"she says quickly and scratches herself again,"I think Peeve's musta given them to me! Or was that someone else...? Hmm..."**

**"Well, it was nice talking to yah! Can I go in now?"Hermione says impatiently."Oh-yes, dear, you may!"The Fat Lady says,"But first- What's the password?" **

**Hermione thinks for a second and then says,"Krackkillz" The portrait swings forward; and Hermione walks on through.**

**"Hope your crabs go back to the ocean!" Hermione shouts over her shoulder before the portrait swings shut.**

**Just like Parvati had promised, Harry and Ron had stayed behind for her; playing wizard's chess by the fireplace. **

**Beside the chessboard lies the half eaten cake from her birthday.**

** She walks over to them and they look up at her and smile.**

**"What took you so long, dearie?"Ron asks her as she takes a seat on the love seat beside Harry.**

**"I just got a job!" she says happily."Really? Where?"Harry asks her.**

**"Um... you know that witch statue outside of the Ravenclaw commons? Well, if you press her left boob, there's a staircase that leads to a bar and brothel"Hermione explains.**

**"No need to tell us, dearie! We've already gone there!"Ron says; cutting her off. **

**Hermione gives him a weird look and sets the clothes on the table.**

**"So, Hermione, did you get to find out anything about last night?"Harry asks her.**

**"Nope, not really.."Hermione shrugs.**

**"Well, one person did tell us they saw you with someone with black hair"Harry says;"Bad thing is, though, they were stoned! And, just knowing it was someone with black hair doesn't really help."**

**Hermione sighs,"You're right. It doesn't." **

**"Well, who cares who you were with!"Ron says quickly,"It's not like you're pregnant or anything, right?" **

**Hermione looks at him rudely and says meanly,"Who cares? Who cares? I care! Even if I didn't get pregnant or get an Std, I'd still like to know who I was with!"**

** Ron shrugs and makes the next move,"Anyway, other than that, we didn't find out anything much!" **

**"Too bad..For now, we should just enjoy our game of chess!"Harry says. ****Hermione rolls her eyes at him.**

**"What? There's nothing else that we can do!"Harry says."Damn you, Harry Potter! Damn you! You're gonna give up just like that?"Hermione yells,"And on one of your best friends, of all people?!****"**

**"Well, excuse me, little miss 'Everyone, pay attention to me! Feel sorry for me even though I'm uber smart'! I already told you we tried our best and our best got us no where!"Harry yells right back,"Why don't you just forget about it and live on with your life? It's not like this one time of having sex with an unknown person is gonna matter. You're a prostitute, Hermione! I'm quite sure you're gonna be having sex with allot of unknown people, now!"**

**Hermione turns red in the face and she glares at Harry."Calm down, chica! No need to get angry." Ron says; placing a hand on her shoulder. She knocks his hand off and then slaps Harry _hard _across the face; knocking him off the couch and sending his glasses flying against the wall.**

**"What the fuck was that for?"Harry growls as he sits up and rubs the place where she slapped him.**

**"I'll tell you what that was for! That was for being a rude; arrogant little prick!"Hermione yells and grabs her clothes off of the coffee table.**

**"Rude? Arrogant? Little Prick?"Harry yells and stands up,"Well, at least I'm not a Snobby Selfish Know-it-all _whore!_"**

** Hermione growls and sends him a good; swift kick in the crotch. He falls to the floor crying.**

**"Serves you right, Asshole!"she says and then makes her way to the stairs of the girl's sleeping quarters.**

**Ron looks down at Harry and strokes his head."Poor little Harry!"he says sweetly,"Mean ole Hermione picking on you and your little prick!" **

**Harry stops crying and shoots him a mean look."I don't have a little prick, okay?"he yells and then stands up.**

**"Well,_sorry _for trying to comfort you!"Ron says meanly.**

**"Comfort me?! How the hell is saying I have a 'Little Prick' gonna comfort me?"Harry yells, "Besides, what's it matter to you if my prick is little or not?" **

**"Oh, nothing! Just felt sorry for you, dude! That's all"Ron says quickly, "It's not like I'm gay or anything! HA! HA!" **

**Harry laughs at him,"_you not being gay?_ That cracks me up!" Then he slaps Ron on the back and heads up the stairs to the boy's sleeping quarters.**

**Ron looks down at the half-eaten cake and says,"Oh, cake! Am I the only one who thinks that Hermione and Harry should go out?" The cake doesn't reply.**

**"Yeah. You're right. I'm gonna set them up"he sighs,"If only I wasn't gay...then, I could be with her and then I'd totally show her how to dress!"**

** Then he gets off the couch and heads up the stairs to the boy's sleeping quarters.**

**"Damn that Harry Potter!"Hermione yells as she hops into bed,"Thinks he can honestly get away with calling me a whore! Well, he's got another thing coming!"**

** She pulls the covers around herself and lays down."If they can't find out who I was with, then I will!"she says and closes her eyes. **

**Soon, she drifts off to sleep; dreaming of all the events of that night.**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	4. I am NOT a whore!

_**Multiple lights pass overhead. "Ow.. my head..." **_

_**Looking around, she notices that she's being carried through dark halls. Above her is the strange; dark face of a mysterious figure. **_

_**"Where are we going?" No answer. They turn a corner and come face to face with a mysterious purple door.**_

_**"Where does this lead to?" "Oh, I can't wait, my dear child! The greatest night of your life awaits!" **_

_**The figure opens the door and they walk through. The door slams shut behind them.**_

**Hermione awakens to the sounds of laughter from around her dorm room. Yawning, she sits up in bed and rubs her eyes. **

**"What's going on?"she says as she looks around the room. A group of girls are huddled in the far left corner of the room. **

**"Oh my gah! No way!","Can you believe it?","Wow! She **_**is**_** a whore!". **

_**"Who's a whore?"**_**Hermione thinks to herself as she slips out of bed and makes her way to the group of girls. **

**"Hey, what's up?"she asks, pushing her way into the group.**

** One of the girls, a first year, takes a look at her and laughs,"Is it true that you're a prostitute?" ****Hermione turns white in the face,"WHAT?"**

**"Is it true you're working for a brothel?","Who the hell told you that?","Everyone around school knows about it!","Well, it's not fucking true!" **

**Hermione storms off to her trunk and grabs out her school uniform."Now tell me who the hell you heard it from?**_**"**_**she yells at them. ****"Malfoy!"they reply. **

**Her face turns bright red."I'm going to **_**KILL **_**him!"she roars and stomps out of the room.**

**She makes her way down the stairs and out of the Gryffindor common room.**

**"Hermione, dear, **_**where **_**are you going?"the Fat Lady shouts after her.**

**"I have someone to**_** CASTRATE!"**_**Hermione yells as she storms down the stairs to the Main Hall.**

**Near the bottom, she runs into Harry. He glares at her."Don't fuck with me, Harry!"she barks,"I'm not in the mood to fight with you!"**

** "How come? Too afraid to finish your fights?"he growls.**

**"Didn't me kicking you in the balls finish that fight?"she growls."Oh yeah.. I forgot about that! My nuts still feel it you know?" Harry barks.**

**"Oh, I'm sorry!"Hermione says,"I'll make 'em better later with another good; swift kick! For now, I must go castrate a Malfoy!".**

**And she starts walking off."Malfoy?"he yells after her and begins following her."Yeah! That little prick told everyone I'm a whore!"she growls.**

**"Uh, Hermione, you**_** are **_**a whore, now!"Harry says matter-of-factly. **

**Hermione whirls around to face him and stops in her place. Her face bright red, seeming as if steam was about to shoot out of her ears at any minute. **

**Harry gulps,"Uh.. sorry?" She glares at him and storms off. Harry stares after her."Man, that girl has the attitude of a bull!"Harry says under his breath.**

** "I HEARD THAT!"Hermione yells as she walks off. Harry jumps a little and heads off towards the Great Hall to meet Ron.**

**Within a minute, Harry is at the top of the Great Staircase.**

** In the middle of the room at the bottom, stands Ron with a familiar looking boy in front of him. **

**"You stop that right now, mister!"Ron giggles and gives the boy a peck on the nose. Harry's eyes widen and a smirk spreads across his face.**

** He takes a few steps down the Great Staircase and stops to get a better look. **

**"I love you, Ron"The boy says happily,"Will we meet again- same place, same time?" Ron giggles,"I love you, too, Seamey-Wamey! And, yes, we will meet again!" **

**With a hug, Seamus Finnegan walks off. Harry laughs a little and then heads down the stairs towards Ron.**

**Ron turns around to see Harry coming towards him.**

**"Oh, hey, Harry! Glad you could make it! Ready to go spy on the chicks over at the Whomping Dildo Tree?"Ron says cooly. **

**Harry laughs,"Ron, don't pretend to be straight. I know you're gay. Just admit you and Seamus are going out. I don't think it's wrong, I just think I deserve to know what makes my friend happy"**

** Ron turns red in the face,"I-I don't know what you're talking about! I ain't gay!" Harry crosses his arms,"Come on, Ron, spill the beans." **

**Ron's eyes tear up and he runs away; up the stairs.**

** Harry takes a deep breath and sighs. "Hermione is mad and now Ron. Some weekend this is gonna be"he says to himself as he heads out the front door of the school to take a stroll to Hagrid's hut.**

**Hermione, on the other hand, makes her way right towards the Slytherin common room. **

**A red haired girl, a friend of Pansy Parkison steps in front of her."Hey, you stupid Gryffindor! You can't be here! Leave, now!"she barks. **

**Hermione growls and socks her a good; hard punch right in her right breast. The little girl backs away from her. "S-sorry!"she stutters and runs off crying. **

**Hermione continues towards the common room, stomping the whole way.**

**She reaches the front of the common room, and there, standing in the middle of the room surrounded by his group of idiotic thugs, is Draco.**

**"You no good for nothing son of a bitch! How **_**DARE **_**you go around the school and tell people I'm a**_** WHORE!"**_**she gnarls at him. **

**Draco turns around to face her,"Oi, mudblood! What the hell do you think you're doing storming into**_** our**_** common room?!"**

** Hermione turns red in the face,"Did you not just hear me? I**_** SAID **_**why did you go about the school telling people I'm a **_**whore?**_**"**

** Draco laughs,"I know you're a whore, mudblood, or you wouldn't have been behind the curtain. But, why the hell do you think **_**I**_** went around the school telling everyone? It's not like it would have been long before the school knew of you whoring yourself!"**

** Hermione growls,"So, you had nothing to do with this? You better not be lying to me or I swear I will castrate you!" **

**Goyle and Crabbe grunt,"Hee-hee, castrate.."**

** Draco glares at them,"Shut-up, you bloody idiots! As for you, Mudblood, you better get your hiney off my turf or I swear to you I will help make these rumors worse than they already are!" **

**Hermione gives him a sharp glare and then turns around quickly and heads off away from the Slytherin common room.**

**"**_**So, if it's not him, then who spread the rumors about me?"**_**she thinks to herself as she makes her way towards the Gryffindor common room,"**_**Maybe it was Parvati.. or Padma... Nah. I don't think they'd do that."**_

**She turns a corner and continues walking,"**_**Maybe it was Filch, that sick perv."**_

**All of a sudden, a horrible idea comes to her mind,"**_**OMG! Could Harry or Ron have told? Oh, they better not have! GRR!"**_

**And she begins sprinting towards the Gryffindor common room.**

**She reaches the stairs, catches her breath quickly, and heads towards the portrait of the Fat Lady.**

**"Gee, Hermione, dear, you seem to be in a hurry these past couple of days"The Fat Lady says to her.**

**"Yeah, well, I have a lot on my mind. So, can I come in now?"Hermione responds."Password?"The Fat Lady says.**

**"Um..."Hermione thinks for a second then says,"Oh! Cummingsune!" The Fat Lady smiles and the portrait swings forward. Hermione walks into the room.**

** A grou****p of Gryffindor students are seated near the fireplace conversing with one another. One of them being Euan Abercrombie. ****The cake still on the coffee table.**

** In one corner of the room is Ginny, sitting in a big armchair; reading a magazine for young witch girls.**

**"Hey, Gin, have you seen Harry and Ron around here?"she shouts over at her.**

** Ginny blinks her eyes and looks away from her magazine towards Hermione,"Well, I did see Harry head outside to take a walk. I don't know where Ron is, though. Sorry!"**

** Hermione smiles a little,"Thanks, Ginny!"Then she makes her way to the stairs to her sleeping quarters to change into her school uniform. **

**One of the students on the couch notices the uniform in her hands and says,"Uh, hey, whore, don't ya know it's the weekend?" **

**The group of students laugh and Hermione runs up the stairs crying.**

**She slams open the door and runs over to her bed; falling upon it. **

**Burying her face into the pillow, she bawls her eyes out 'til she grows so tired and drifts off into a dreamless sleep. **

**Harry walks up to Hagrid's door, having taken a very slow walk to his hut. He knocks his fist against it twice and waits.**

** He hears a bark and a couple of seconds later, the door opens. The familiar from of Hagrid stand before him.**

**"Oi, 'arry! Nice of ye ta visit! Come in! Come in!"he says and moves out of the doorway. Fang greets Harry with a big slobbery kiss. **

**Harry laughs a little and then sits down upon Hagrid's bed while Hagrid takes a seat across from him upon his sofa.**

**"Is somethin' the matter, 'arry?"Hagrid asks,"Ye seem a little down." Harry clenches his fists,"Hermione will get angry if I tell you, but, I have to." **

**A confused look spreads across Hagrid's face,"Well, go on." **

**Harry sighs then continues, "Well, Hermione woke up two days ago naked in a strange room in the dungeons. She had no idea how she got there, who she was with, and her robes and wand were missing."**

** Hagrid looks even more confused,"And how is she doin'?" **

**"Not very good, I'm afraid. She's really upset and worried. And.."Harry says quietly,"You see, um, Hagrid.. she's kind of working in a brothel now."**

** Hagrid's eyes widen,"What? 'Ermione would actually do somethin' like that?" Harry shakes his head yes,"Only, I don't think she's done anything as of yet."**

** Hagrid lets out a breath of relief,"Ye scared me there fer a second, 'arry."**

**"So, um, Hagrid, I came to you to ask you something."Harry says,"How do you think I should help Hermione?" **

**Hagrid thinks for a second and says,"Well, be her friend, that'll help her lots! And, if ye can, try and find more info fer her. I'm sure she'd 'preciate it." **

**Harry smiles a little,"Thanks, Hagrid!" "No problem, 'arry"Hagrid says,"Would ye like a muffin?"**

**Hagrid opens up his cabinet and presents a giant bowl of muffins. "Uh, no thanks, Hagrid" Harry says, then slides off of Hagrid's bed.**

**"Now listen 'ere, 'arry, Ye be needing anythin' else? Ye come to me, got it?" Hagrid says, looking down at Harry.**

**"Got it!"Harry says with a smile, then opens Hagrid's door,"Bye, Hagrid!" "See ye, Harry!" Hagrid says and shuts the door behind Harry.**

**"**_**Wonder what Hermione and Ron are doing right now."**_**he thinks to himself as he begins his slow trek back to the school,"**_**Hope Hermione isn't working at the brothel."**_

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	5. First Day on the Job!

**Hermione awakens a couple of hours later, to a crying Ron beside her.**

**"R-Ron?"she says confused and rubs her eyes,"What are you doing here?" **

**Ron sniffles, then says,"Harry is makin' fun of me!" Hermione looks at him weirdly,"And? That's no reason to cry." **

**Ron starts crying again,"Nobody gets it! I'll never truly get to be myself!" And he jumps off her bed and runs out of the room crying. **

**Hermione sits up slowly; confused,"Alrighty then, whatever." She stretches and gets out of bed,"Wonder how long I was asleep?"**

** She stretches again and heads out of the room. **

**Natalie McDonald, a younger Gryffindor student Hermione remembers, runs up the stairs and seems relieved to see her.**

**"There you are! Parvati sent me to find you! She says you were supposed to be at the- 'you know what'- hours ago! Where have you been?"she says as she grabs Hermione by the arm and starts heading down the stairs. **

**Hermione looks at her confused and says,"Um.. I was sleeping... I haven't felt very good lately. Sorry." **

**"No excuses! We've got to hurry! It's one of our busiest nights, so come on! Move it!"Natalie says quickly and starts walking faster down the stairs.**

**They reach the common room and power walk through it and out the door.**

**"Sheesh! Off in a hurry again, I swear! That girl will have a heart attack if she doesn't stop!"The Fat Lady says as she watches them leave down the stairs. **

**By the time they reach the bottom of the stairs, they're practically running.**

**"Natalie, I don't have my uniform!"Hermione says as they run through the halls towards the brothel.**

**"Screw the uniform! It's not like you'll be wearing it much tonight, anyways!"Natalie says as they make their way around many students and even knock over Ernie Macmillan in the process.**

**"Sorry!"Hermione shouts at the students as she passes them. **

**Within a few minutes, they reach the witch statue.**

**"It doesn't seem busy to me"Hermione says as Natalie makes her way around an invisible line of people.**

**"Oh, well, it is!"Natalie says and stops for the first time,"Here-look through this!" She says and slips a weird looking contraption from her neck and hands it to Hermione. **

**Hermione studies it: It's a weird looking mini lantern-type thing that hangs from a thin chain."It looks like a lantern"Hermione says.**

**"Look through any glass part" Natalie says. Hermione does as Natalie said and is shocked to see a **_**very **_**long line of kids and even the Fat Friar is there.**

**The line ends somewhere far from the statue and wraps around the statue; down into the brothel.**

**"How is it no one can see them?" Hermione asks,"And why hasn't anyone bumped into them?"**

**Natalie shrugs,"Those are questions only Filch knows the answer to. But, I'm too weirded out by him to wanna ask him."**

** "Same here"Hermione agrees,"Shall we head in, then?" And she starts heading towards the entrance. **

**Natalie pulls her back,"There's another entrance for us staff members when it becomes crowded like this. So, follow me."**

** She walks past the line and down to the end of the hallway where a statue of 'Gunhilda of Gorsemoor' stands.**

** Natalie pokes her on the nose and a secret doorway opens beside the statue.**

**"Come on"she says and heads into the doorway. Hermione follows behind her. A flight of spiral stairs lays before them.**

**"Shall we?"Natalie says. And they make their way down; the door closing as the stairs take them to a small hallway.**

**"This is right next to your dressing room"Natalie explains,"It'll take us through the closet, so let's go! We musn't keep any customers waiting!" **

**She grabs Hermione and they run straight towards the other end of the hallway. **

**The wall disappears right before they hit it and they find themselves running through clothes and falling upon a velvet red carpet. **

**The shrieks of a newcomer worker can be heard.**

**"Oh, Hermione!"a familiar voice sounds above them. Hermione looks up to see Ron, wearing a pair of short-shorts and a red silk vest. **

**He helps Hermione up leaving Padma to help up Natalie."Ron? You're working here too?"Hermione says as she dusts off her legs. **

**"Yep!" Ron says with a wide grin,"And, I can't wait!" **

**Hermione looks at him with a confused look upon her face,"Wow... I guess you're just a horny little boy now ain't yah?" **

**Ron giggles,"Well, Hermione, looks like I need to leave! I have customers a'waiting for me! Tah-Tah!" Then he prances out of the dressing room. **

**Parvati storms into the room past him. **

**"Hermione, get dressed fast! The majority of customers are here to see if the rumors about you working here are true!" she says quickly,"So, strip, girl! Or else you are outta here! Natalie, come with me!"****Then her and Natalie leave the room; shutting the door behind them.**

** Hermione stares at the skanky uniforms on the ground at her feet."I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't want to 'bed hop' as everyone calls it!"she cries.**

**"Don't worry about it, you'll do fine, I know you will!"Padma says with a pat on the back,"Now get dressed. No need in angering Filch and the customers anymore. Just means bad business if you do." And she leaves the room.**

**Hermione picks up a halter top. She sighs and takes off her pink sweater.**

**"Nice boobs!"a Hufflepuff student says; standing in the doorway of the dressing room. Hermione growls at him and slams the door shut. **

**She pulls the halter top over her head and over her chest. Then she bends down and grabs the mini skirt. She slowly removes her jeans and slips on the skirt; then the garters.**

**"I guess I'm done"she says, then notices the stiletto shoes in the wardrobe to the right of her. **

**She walks towards the wardrobe and bends down to look at the shoes."I can't walk in heels!"she says nervously, "But, I have to wear them if I'm gonna work".**

** With a sigh,she starts putting the heels onto her feet. Within minutes, she manages to get them buckled and struggles to stand up.**

**Once up, she heads to the door and trips halfway there."Ack!" she shrieks and runs for her life for the door; gripping onto the frame for support. **

**Breathing heavily, she re-adjusts her feet and opens the door."Well, Hermione, this is it. Your life is about to change."she says under her breath and starts stumbling out into the hallway. **

**Hermione makes it halfway down the hallway before she stumbles and falls again.**

**"You know what? Fuck these stilletos! I can't wear them!"she growls under her breath. **

**She sits down and slowly fumbles with her stilettos until she has them off. Then, she stands up and walks back to her dressing room.**

**"Good Riddance to you both!"she yells and throws them onto the ground. "Now, let's get this show on the road!" **

**And with a hop, skip, and a jump she heads down the hallway towards the red curtain.**

** As she reaches it, Filch appears between the folds."There you are, girl!"he snaps,"Ready for business? I have your first customer here!" **

**Draco Malfoy appears from behind Filch and walks through the curtain.**

**"Hello, Mudblood! I just had to see for myself what an ugly whore you make!"Draco says,"And, if I do say so myself, you are **_**quite **_**ugly!" **

**Then he leaves the hallway laughing.**

**"**_**That's**_** what he paid extra for? Wow!"Padma says from behind Hermione. Then heads into the nearby room labeled 'In the bath".**

**"Next customer!"Filch snarls. **

**Jason Samuels, a Raveclaw student, comes through the curtain."Hey there, Hermione! Ready to go?"he says with a giant grin on his face. **

**Hermione looks to Filch and he gestures her to take Jason to a room.**

**"I wanna go 'under the stars'!"he says quickly and grabs her by the wrist. Hermione follows him into the room labeled 'under the stars'. **

**Hermione looks up at the holographic-star filled sky. Below her feet is artificial grass."Ain't this place purty?"he asks with a smirk. **

**Then starts taking off his robe. Hermione looks at him wide eyed and begins to cry."Stop! Stop! Please!" she begs and starts crying really hard. **

**Jason stops in the middle of un-buttoning his shirt."What's wrong?"he asks,"Do I scare you?" **

**Hermione dries her eyes a little,"No. No. It's just that I'm having second thoughts about taking this job.. I don't wanna have sex, but, I really want the money." **

**"Maybe you could, um, show me your boobs or something"Jason suggests. **

**A wide grin spreads across Hermione's face,"And, if I do anything to you that isn't sex, will you still feel satisfied with paying?" **

**Jason smiles and nods his head 'yes'. Then Hermione gestures for Jason to sit on the ground and he does as he is told.**

**"You ready, boy?"she says in a slutty voice and starts taking off her halter top. Jason's eyes grow wide as Hermione starts shaking her breasts,"Get ready to give yourself over to absolute pleasure!"...**

**A couple of minutes later, the door opens and Hermione walks out, followed by a very satisfied looking Jason. **

**Padma comes out of the "In the bath" room followed by Roger Davies.**

**"Well, well, well! Didn't I tell you you'd do a great job?" she says with a smirk and walks towards the red curtain. **

**Hermione scratches her head,"Uh, yeah..." Jason gives her a peck on the cheek,"That was great! Thanks!" **

**And with a quick wave, he runs down the hall and disappears through the red curtain.**

**"New customers please, two!"Padma shouts through the curtain. **

**Two new students, a Hufflepuff and a Slytherin, walk through the curtain.**

**"Hey, looks like the rumors are true!"The Hufflepuff says,"Alright, I've gotten what I came for! Thanks for your time." **

**And she heads back through the curtain."Well, I didn't!"the Slytherin boy says,"Now, come, Mudblood, I wanna go to 'outter space'!" **

**And he yanks Hermione by the arm into the room that once was labeled 'In the bath' but now reads 'Outter space".**

**Padma waves at her as she heads into the room and shuts the door behind her...**

**Hours later, after many kids came just to see if the rumors were true or to take advantage of the true rumors, the brothel finally clears with only a few kids left.**

** Padma falls upon the silk cushions in the dressing room; followed by Hermione falling beside her.**

**"Phew! I'm glad it's over! That was one long shift!"Hermione says.**

**"Yeah, for you!"Padma says meanly,"Everyone was here, mainly just to see you! Such bull crap!" **

**Hermione glares at her,"Excuse you? It's not**_** MY**_** fault that someone leaked out that I was working here! And, besides, if I recall wasn't it **_**you**_** who got me this job?"**

** Padma glares at her and turns away. Hermione sighs and then sits up,"Whatever.. I'm going to the common room, so see ya!" **

**Then, she gets up and heads out of the the end of the hallway, Filch peeps his head in through the curtain.**

**"Ah, there you are! You're free to go, if you'd like."he says with an evil smirk. Hermione sighs happily and walks towards the curtain. **

**Once there, she takes a deep breath and heads through. On the other side lies an empty bar; the last customers having left after Filch kicked them out. **

**Filch stands beside the curtain with an outstretched hand full of bills."Here's your pay."he says,'Good work." **

**Hermione snatches the bills from his hand with a wide grin on her face."**_**Money! Yes!"**_**she thinks to herself as Filch walks back to the bar to continue cleaning it.**

** She folds up the bills and starts walking towards the exit,"Filch, I'm leaving my clothes in the dressing room, k?" **

**He looks up from staring at the bar counter, "Alright. See ya soon!" And Hermione heads up the stairs to the top of the entrance.**

**At the top, Hermione is surprised to see Harry waiting for her."Harry? What are you doing here?"she asks.**

**"I, uh, waited around for you."he says shyly,"I, uh, thought I'd come and talk to you once you got done with your.. job." **

**Hermione smiles a little and then quickly stops,"Oh, talk to me, huh? About what?" **

**Harry scratches his head,"Hermione, I don't like your job! I don't think you need to bed hop with others! You're better than that!" **

**Hermione blushes,"Harry, I think it's sweet you care about me and all, but, it is **_**my **_**body, after all! And, I can do with it what I want."**

** Harry gulps a little and says,"Hermione, I like you.. You should be with me.. showing**_** me **_**your body, **_**not **_**other people." **

**Hermione clenches her fists,"Oh! So, you think I'm just gonna have sex with you if I go out with you? You're a pig, Harry! A pig!" **

**And she storms off past the witch statue towards the common room."Hermione! Wait- that's not what I meant!"Harry calls after her. **

**Hermione ignores him and begins running quickly down the hallway. All of a sudden, she begins feeling queasy and falls to her knees gripping her stomach. **

**A weird feeling passes through her stomach and next thing she knows, she's vomiting all over the carpet in front of her.**

**"Hermione!"Harry shouts and runs over to her,"Are you okay?" Hermione shakes her head and begins crying,"Harry, I don't feel so good!" **

**Harry puts a hand on her shoulder,"Hold on, Hermione, I'll take you to a bathroom! You'll be fine, I promise!" He helps up Hermione and they head in the direction of Myrtle's bathroom.**

**Once there, Harry helps Hermione walk to a sink where he helps her clean up.**

**"Th-thanks, Harry"she says as she cleans out her mouth,"I don't know what came over me.. I just got really dizzy and queasy." **

**Harry rubs her back a little and says,"Maybe you got sick cause of your job or something?" **

**Hermione shakes her head in disagreement,"I don't know, I keep getting a queasy feeling in my stomach." **

**"Oh, well, maybe you're just getting sick. Now, should we head to the common room?"he asks. **

**Hermione shakes her head 'yes' and they head out of the bathroom. **

**They turn down a hallway and head towards their common room, not noticing that a certain 'Potions Professor' is following them and watching their every move.**

**"Queasy?.. odd.. very odd... Ms. Granger..."**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	6. Why am I feeling so queasy!

**Harry and Hermione soon reach the stairs to the common room. **

**They take a step on the stairs and are stopped by a familiar voice,"Well, well, well! What have we here? Enjoy your night Ms. Granger and Potter?"**

**They turn around and find Professor Snape standing before them.**

**"Uh, hi, Professor" Harry says,"What are you doing here?" **

**Snape glares at them,"I would like to know the same about you two? Why are you two out and about the school at such a late hour?" **

**Hermione gulps,"I- felt sick and Harry, here, helped me to a bathroom."**

** Snape stares at her hard,"Do you really expect me to believe that, Ms. Granger? Five points from Gryffindor on account of your foolery! Now get in your common room before I send you to the Headmaster!" **

**He points up the stairs and Harry and Hermione begins walking up them.**

**"I've got my eye on you, Granger" he says under his breath before leaving. **

**Hermione shivers and looks back at the place where Snape was standing.**

**"Are you okay?"Harry asks her. Hermione gulps,"Y-yeah.. I'm fine.." She wraps her arms around herself and they continue walking up the stairs.**

**At the top, they reach the Portrait of the Fat Lady who is fast asleep. **

**Hermione taps her on the nose and her eyes flick open."H-Hermione? H-Harry? Wh-what are you doing out here so late?"she asks. **

**Hermione ignores her,"No reason at all, sleepwalking, I guess, now let us in." The Fat Lady gives them a weird look and says,"Password?" **

**Harry thinks for a second, then says,"Siliconeisfayke." The portrait swings forward and they walk into the common room.**

**"Harry, I still don't feel good. Do you know of anything I could use as a trash can?"Hermione asks.**

**"As a matter of fact, I do.. hold on a sec."Harry says and walks past the coffee table with the cake on it and towards the fireplace. **

**He picks up a small vase from off of the floor and walks over to her to give her it."Will this work?"he asks. Hermione flashes a little smile,"It'll work."**

** She takes it from his hands and cradles it like a baby,"Well, thanks Harry for everything! I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"**

**"Yeah. Sleep good Hermione!"Harry says giving her a quick hug,"Hope you feel better!" And then he runs up the stairs to his sleeping quarters. **

**Hermione takes one last look around the common room and then heads up the stairs to her sleeping quarters.**

**At the top, she pushes open a door to her left and walks into her sleeping quarters.**

**Parvati, Ginny, Victoria Frobisher, and a few other Gryffindor female students are asleep upon their beds. **

**Hermione quietly shuts the door behind her and tiptoes towards her bed careful as to not make any sound. **

**She crawls under the covers and sets the vase upon her night stand. **

**Feeling more queasy than she had that day, she tries to get comfortable but can't quite seem to find a good spot. **

**So, she lays awake in her bed thinking about the events of that day.**

**"**_**Why have I been feeling so queasy? It can't be because of my job. I don't do a lot of hard work! I don't even have sex, for Pete's sake!"**_

_**"Was Snape following us? And why did he say he'd be watching me? Gosh I'm so creeped out!"**_

_**...**_**Without even noticing it, she drifts off into a dream-filled sleep: **

_**Lying upon a bed, naked, she looks around and notices she's in a strange brick room.**_

_** Near the door is a weird pole and the walls are covered in shelves. **_

_**She turns her attention back to where the figure is; sitting above her with his messy black hair drooping over his face. **_

_**His face is blackened out beyond recognition.**_

_**"Dear; sweet Hermione, I've waited for this for so long.."the man says as he starts climbing on top of her,"Tonight, I will show you my passion for you." **_

_**Hermione looks one more time at the figure before feeling him insert himself into her."Oh, Hermione! I love you!" Her vision goes black.**_

**Hermione sits straight up in bed, breathing heavily.**

**"I-I know that place! But, who was I with?"she says quietly.**

** Looking about her, she sees everyone is still asleep and the moon is stull shining brightly outside of the window. **

**All of a sudden, she starts to feel queasy again and quickly reaches for the vase. **

**Grabbing ****it in time, she places her mouth above the opening before vomit starts spewing forth from her mouth. **

**Her gagging noises echo through the room causing Ginny to stir from her sleep. She sits up in bed and looks over towards Hermione.**

**"Hermione? Psst! Are you okay?"she whispers loudly across the room. **

**Hermione wipes her mouth and looks over to Ginny."Uhg...I'm f-fine, Ginny..."she says quickly while on the verge of vomiting. **

**Ginny slips out of bed and walks over to her,"Hermione, are you sure you're fine?" **

**"I'm sure..."Hermione says and vomits into the vase again.**

**"Um, maybe we should take you to Madam Pomfrey"she says putting her hands on Hermione's shoulders. **

**Hermione continues hurling, but tries to talk,"I.. don't want to.. go to her.. I'll be... fine...just go back.. to bed.." Ginny sighs and walks back to her bed.**

**"You sure?"she says. Hermione ignores her. "Fine! See ya in the morning!"Ginny says and climbs under the covers. **

**Hermione wipes her mouth and sets the vase on the floor. The queasy feeling begins to quit and she lays down on her back.**

**"**_**I'll be fine, I know I will.."**_**she thinks to herself,**_**"Maybe with a little sleep, I'll wake up feeling refreshed and better.."**_** She closes her eyes and soon drifts back to sleep...**

**That morning, Hermione awakens to the smell of rotten eggs and the complaints of the other girls in the room.**

**"What the hell is that smell?","EEW! Did someone die?". Hermione sits up in bed and looks around the room. All the girls are squeezing their noses shut. **

**She looks to her left and sees that the vase had spilled while she slept and vomit is all over the floor.**

**"Ugh!"she says and slips out of bed,"Um, sorry you guys, I got sick last night... but, uh, I promise I'll clean it up, like, right now!"**

** All the girls stare at her outfit and shoot her mean; judging looks."What?"she says confused.**

**"Um, slut much?" Victoria says,"What, are you a prostitute or something? Maybe you're sick cause you got drunk?" ****Hermione glares at her.**

**"She's just got the stomach flu. Leave her alone, Victoria."Ginny says,"Hermione, I'll go get something to clean up the vomit, okay?"****And she leaves the room.**

**"Next time you get the urge to vomit, please, go to the bathroom" Victoria says meanly then leaves the room. **

**Hermione sighs and walks over to her trunk,"Guess I do look bad.. I'll just.. change into some more suitable clothes."**

**She grabs out a folded pair of capri jeans and a green 'weird sister's' t-shirt. **

**Quickly slipping out of her brothel clothes, she slips on the capris and then the t-shirt,"Now, for some shoes."She slips on a pair of flats, shuts her trunk, and heads out of the room.**

**Then she knocks on the door across the hall from her. Ron's voice comes from behind the door,"Who is it?","It's me, Hermione","Oh! Come in, dear! Come in!" **

**The door opens and Ron appears in front of her, wearing a blue silk robe."Hey, Harry tells me you felt sick last night, feeling any better?"he asks her.**

**"Yeah, now... I woke up last night and was feeling really queasy! Just ask Ginny."Hermione says,"I don't really know why I've been feeling sick.."**

**"Maybe you're pregnant? You know- what with all the sex you've been having at your job!"Ron jokes. **

**Hermione glares at him,"Please. Don't say that, Ron! That's freaky!" ****"It was just a joke, sheesh!"Ron says crossing his arms.**

**"You know, Ron, I've been having weird dreams.. I think I'm actually starting to recall what happened that night."she says.**

**"Oh, really now? Are there any sweet details on mister mystery?"Ron asks.**

**Hermione sighs,"Nope.. All I know is what his hair looks like.." **

**"Hmm..."Ron leans against the door frame. Ginny appears at the top of the stairs with tissues, a plastic bag and air freshener in her arms.**

**"Let's go clean up that mess."she says."Ron, I'll see yah later!"Hermione says and follows Ginny into their sleeping quarters. **

**They head over to the mess beside Hermione's bed and start stacking the tissues upon the vomit. Then they start wiping up the mess and putting it into the bag. **

**Once clean, they spray some freshener in the air."There. All clean!"Ginny says tying up the bag,"Let's go throw this bag away." **

**They head out of their room and bump into Harry on the way out."Oh! Harry, hi!"Ginny says,"How did you sleep last night?"**

**"Good. How're you feeling, Hermione?"he asks, "And what is that bag for?"**

**"I'm feeling better, now, Harry.. although, last night was a different story."Hermione says. **

**"Oh.. sheesh, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, Hermione"he says,"Did the vase work?" She shakes her head 'yes'.**

**"I'm just gonna leave you two alone.."Ginny says and hurries down the stairs.**

**"Hermione, maybe your job is making you sick, maybe you should quit it."Harry suggests."It's **_**not**_** my job!"Hermione snaps. **

**All of a sudden, the same queasy feeling starts up in her stomach again,"Oh.. not again..."**

**"Stay here! I'll go get your vase!"Harry says quickly and runs into her room. Within seconds he appears in the hall with the vase and hands it to her.**

**Hermione starts hurling into the vase, crying while in the process.**

**"Uh, that doesn't seem healthy.."Ron says, turning away from the view of Hermione vomiting.**

**"Hermione, I'm going to take you to the bathroom."Harry says."And, uh, I'll go get Madam Pomfrey!"Ron adds.**

** Harry wraps his arm around Hermione's shoulders and walks with her down to the bottom of the stairs. **

**At the bottom of the stairs, Hermione shakes off Harry's arm,"I'm fine. I'm a big girl. I can get to the bathroom on my own!"**

**Then she walks away from Harry and out the door of the common room."Hermione dear, you don't smell too good."The Fat Lady says.**

**"Gee, really? I've been vomiting!"Hermione barks and starts walking down the stairs. **

**When she reaches the bottom of the stairs, she overhears Parvati and Padma whispering with Filch.**

**"She got all the work last night! it isn't fair!"Padma whines."It's not her fault someone leaked out the information about her working there!"Parvati says.**

**"I think she told everyone herself!"Padma says meanly."Enough, ladies, enough."Filch snarls,"I don't care why people came. We made money and that's all that matters. Now run along!" **

**Padma storms off in the direction of the Great Staircase while Parvati turns and sees Hermione."Oh! Hermione.. are you okay?"she says.**

** Hermione shakes her head 'no'."What's the matter dear?"she asks."I-I feel so queasy.. I keep throwing up.."Hermione says quietly.**

**"Oh.. you've had sex... follow me, dear..."Parvati says and gestures for her to follow her back into the common room.**

**Hermione follows Parvati back up the stairs. At the top, Parvati says the password and walks through the portrait with Hermione following behind her.**

**In the common room, Harry sits upon the love seat beside the fireplace staring intently at the half eaten birthday cake. **

**Hermione ignores him and follows Parvati up to their sleeping quarters. Parvati walks into their room and over to her trunk.**

** She opens her trunk and Hermione sees a wide range of sex toys, condoms and costumes. **

**Parvati reaches into a small box and grabs out a small package."Here."she says,"Use this." Hermione takes it from her and looks at it,"What is it?" **

**"It's a pregnancy test.. us 'angels' aren't supposed to be able to get pregnant.. but, what you have fits the description of morning sickness."Parvati says,"Go use it. Let's hope it's a false reading and you're just sick. Red is false and Blue is positive." Hermione smiles,"Uh, thanks." Then leaves the room. **

**At the top of the stairs, she places the pregnancy test in her jeans pocket and returns to the common room.**

** Harry is still sitting on the love seat with a sad expression upon his face. Hermione tries walking quickly past him but he notices her.**

**"Hermione!"he says quickly,"What are you doing back? I didn't even see you come in! Are you okay? Did Ron get the nurse? Did she make you better?" **

**Hermione looks at him nervously,"Harry, Parvati gave me something that's supposed to help me decide if one of the reasons I'm sick is because I'm... because I'm.." ****"What?"Harry asks her.**

**"It's to help tell me if I'm.. pregnant or not.."Hermione says quietly, her eyes swelling up with tears. Harry's eyes widen,"P-pregnant?" **

**Hermione gulps and grabs him by the wrist,"Come on, let's go to Myrtle's bathroom!"**

**Then her and Harry run out of the common room and down the stairs. **

**They reach the bottom and start running in the direction of Myrtle's bathroom, knocking into kids along the way. **

**Once there, Hermione rushes in and quickly runs into a stall; shutting the door behind her. **

**Harry takes a seat beside the stall and lays his head back against the door with his eyes closed.**

** "Oh.. Harry dear, what're you doing here? So glad of you to have visited." Moaning Myrtle comes out of the last stall to the right of him.**

** Inside of her ghostly see-through stomach is a strange white sack."Uh, hi, Myrtle.."Harry says, opening his eyes,"What's that you've got there in your stomach?"**

** Myrtle giggles,"Nothing... What you got in that there stall?" Then she flies right through the wall, scaring Hermione.**

**"Eek!" Hermione shrieks, dropping the pregnancy test in the toilet,"Myrtle, you scared me!" **

**Myrtles cackles in a high pitched voice,"What are you doing, Hermione? What was that you dropped?" Hermione looks at her and says,"Uh, nothing!" **

**Then she quickly grabs the test out of the toilet,"Harry, move so I can get out!" Harry stands up and moves out of the way of the door.**

** Hermione unlocks the door then walks out of the stall."Are you finished?"Harry whispers to her.**

**"Yeah.. but, I don't know how long I have to wait"Hermione says quietly."Hermione, what is that that you have in your hand?"Myrtle asks again. **

**Hermione ignores her."Myrtle, what's that you have in your stomach?"Harry asks her rudely."Why, it's a baby!"Myrtle says angrily,"It's Nick's baby!" **

**"Nick's?"Harry says,"As in**_** Nearly Headless Nick?**_**!" **

**Myrtle giggles and pats her stomach,"Yep! You see, me and Nick had a little.. party, with Friar and Baron a while back...but, things seemed to get a**_** little **_**bit heavy and the next thing I knew, I was getting my ghostly wild thing on with Nick! Ghost babies take a long while to form, you know."**

**Hermione looks at her disgusted and sets the pregnancy test down on the ground,"More details than I wanted to know!" **

**Myrtle looks at the pregnancy test Hermione sat down and grabs it."What **_**is**_** this?"she asks while studying it.**

**"It's a... a, um..."Hermione stutters."It's a pregnancy test, Myrtle!"Harry says quickly. Hermione glares at him.**

**"Pregnancy test, eh?"Myrtle says,"You're pregnant, Hermione?"**

**"I**_** could**_** be.. I don't know." Hermione says nervously,"I hope not!""Well, if you are, your baby and my baby can be friends!"Myrtle laughs. **

**Hermione begins to cry a little,"I don't want to be pregnant! Please! Please! Please don't let me be pregnant!"**

**"Hermione, it will be okay."Harry says, grabbing her into a hug,"I bet you're not even pregnant!" **

**Myrtle's face twists in confusion,"Uh, this thing is changing colors..." **

**Harry grabs it from her and sets it upon the ground. Hermione stares at it, her eyes tearing up...**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	7. What am I going to do!

**Loud cries escape from Hermione's mouth as she buries her head in Harry's chest. **

**Upon the floor lies the pregnancy test. **

**In the middle of it lies a blue colored strip.**

**"Shh. Shh. It'll be okay, Hermione."Harry coos as he rubs her head.**

**"It's not okay!"Hermione cries; lifting her head from his chest,"I'm not ready to be a mother! I don't even know who the father is!" **

**A shocked look comes upon Myrtle's face,"You don't know who the father is? Wow, Hermione, I would have expected more from you!"**

**Harry nervously clears his throat,"Uh- actually, it's my baby, Myrtle. Hermione is.. so.. distressed by the news that she's getting all cuckoo in the head." **

**Hermione looks up at Harry; sniffling."Oh, alright! Well, like that doesn't figure! I always knew you two would end up together!"Myrtle says with a smirk. **

**Harry looks down at Hermione and smiles a little,"Are you going to be okay, Hermione?" **

**Hermione smiles a little and nods her head,"I guess I did want to have a baby.. in the future.. but, um, looks like my plans just went a little.. haywire.." **

**Harry stands up and offers his hand to Hermione; helping her up.**

**"So, where are you guys off to now?" Myrtle asks as she grips at her stomach; the little white sack moving around a bit.**

**"We're gonna go talk to Ron about the...baby."Hermione says in a ****fake-happy way, trying not to bring attention to the tears in the corners of her eyes.**

**"Oh, well, do say hi to Ron-"Myrtle begins but is cut off short by the hard movements the white sack is making,"Excuse me-!" **

**And she flies off into one of the nearby stalls.**

** Hermione looks at the stall weirdly, then says,"Well, looks like I'm going to be a..a..." And begins crying again. Harry grabs her into a hug. **

**A couple of seconds later, she clears her eyes and backs away from Harry,"Thanks. Now, let's go talk to Ron."**

**And they head out of the bathroom. On their way out, Ron accidentally runs into them.**

**"Oi, Ron, why're you in such a hurry?"Harry asks. Ron catches his breath; then says,"You'll never believe who is coming here to sign autographs for us!" **

**Hermione quickly hides her face from Ron and says,"Who?" Ron looks at Hermione and tries to get a glance of her face,"Are you crying, Hermione?" **

**Hermione shakes her head 'No'. Ron shrugs and continues,"Okay then. Anyways, guess who is coming?" Harry rolls his eyes,"Who?" **

**"Newton Artemis Fido Scamander!"Ron says happily,"You know- the guy who wrote the book 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them'!" **

**"Oh. Cool."Hermione says sarcastically. "Yeah, I know!"Ron says giddly."Anyways, Ron, we have more important things to discuss."Harry says seriously.**

**"Like what?"Ron says confused.**

**Hermione steps in front of him and whispers into his ear,"Like me being pregnant."**

** Ron's mouth falls open and then he quickly closes it,"S-sorry for jinxing you,Hermione!" **

**Hermione smiles a little,"No, Ron, you didn't jinx me.. this happened on its own..." **

**"Now we really need to know who you were with."Harry says,"But,we've already tried finding out and failed. Maybe we're just destined to never know?" **

**Hermione starts crying again,"Why me? Why?" Ron pats her on the back,"It'll be alright, Hermione, you always have us?"**

** A big smile spreads upon Hermione's face and she grabs both of them into a big hug,"I love you guys!"**

** Harry gives her a quick kiss on the cheek,"Speaking of love, Hermione, uh...may I ask you something in private?" **

**Hermione steps out of the hug,"Ask me what?" **

**Harry grabs her by the wrist and takes a couple of steps back from Ron,"Ron, close your eyes! Turn around, close your eyes; and cover your ears! And, NO peeking!" Ron does as Harry suggested.**

**"Well, Harry, what is it you wanted to ask me?"Hermione asks."Hermione, you remember what I told you after you finished your job today?"Harry says.**

**"Yeah..."Hermione says.**

**"Well, what I said was the truth. Hermione, I-"Harry begins but is interrupted by Ron who is halfway turned around; peeking at them.**

**"Ron! What did I tell you? Bad Boy!"he yells and Ron turns back around,"Now, where was I?.. yes, um, Hermione, I love you. Will you.. go out with me?"**

**A big smile spreads across Hermione's face and her eyes begin tearing up, "Yes!" Harry smiles and bends his head down to kiss her.**

** They share a passionate kiss before Ron interrupts them barking,"Arf! Professor Sinistra alert! Arf!" **

**Hermione pulls away from Harry just in time as Professor Sinistra passes them.**

**"Why, hello you three? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be outside, enjoying the fresh air?"she says.**

**"Oh, no, we can't."Hermione explains,"We have allergies.. really bad." And she pretends to sneeze. **

**Sinistra smiles a little,"Well, nice chatting with you. I really must be off."And she continues on down the hallway. **

**Harry lets out a sigh of relief,"Almost got caught there! Thanks a lot, Ron!" Ron shrugs, then whispers to Hermione,"So, you're gonna be a-_mother-_now?" **

**Hermione half-smiles,"Yep. But, I'd prefer to not talk about it here. We need to go somewhere private." "Like where?"Harry asks. **

**Hermione thinks for a second,"How about the shrieking shack?"**

**Harry shakes his head no. "Hmm... How about the Hog's Head?"Ron suggests. Hermione smirks,"Sounds like a good place for privacy."**

**"So, are we gonna go now or what?"Harry asks.**

**"Yep! But, best make sure no one is following us, okay? I'd prefer no one knew about me being- you know what."Hermione says**

**"But, aren't people gonna find out, anyways?"Ron asks."They won't if you don't tell them!"Hermione snaps,"Now, let's go!" **

**And she stomps off ahead of them and towards the direction of the Great stairs. **

**When she reaches the stairs she stops to wait for them. **

**They quickly catch up and make their way to the bottom, then heading out of the front entrance.**

**"Hermione, why couldn't we just go to a private spell room to talk?"Ron asks.**

**"Because, unlike you, I _care _about my reputation!"Hermione growls and continues on.**

**Half an hour later, they reach Hogsmeade.**

**"Well, here we are!"Harry says,"Now, let's head towards the Hog's Head." **

**Walking side by side, they head down the main road in the middle of Hogsmeade; Hermione and Harry holding hands.**

** Multiple people are strewn upon this road; going about their business. **

**In the windows of the stores lie many colorful displays. Some of candies and sweets. Others of brooms, and robes and books. **

**They soon come upon a small side path with a sign that reads "Hog's Head" pointing down the path. **

**"Well, here it is."Hermione says and they head down the path. **

**At the end of the path, they come upon a green door. Above it, a sign with the head of a severed boar.**

** Harry grabs the door handle and pulls open the door. The scent of goats fills their nostrils. A small bell above the door signals their arrival. **

**Hermione steps through the door, followed by Ron. Many cloaked and strange looking people turn to look at them. One such figure with eyes that glow purple.**

**"The people here are so weird!" Ron whispers to Harry."Just be quiet and don't look at or talk to anyone!"Harry hisses. **

**They make their way down the middle of the pub towards the back tables and sit at an empty one beside a small; circular dirty window.**

**"So, _now _can we talk about your being a mother?"Ron asks Hermione. **

**Hermione nods her head yes as she quickly scans the pub making sure they're the only Hogwarts students.**

**"So, what do you plan on doing with this baby?"Ron asks,"Are you gonna have it and throw it out? Or, perhaps you'll just go to the specter abortion clinic in the dungeons..." **

**Hermione glares at Ron,"How could you suggest I _throw out _my baby? And, _abortion?_ Geeze, I can't believe you, Ron!" **

**Ron shrugs his shoulders,"What? I was just suggesting stuff." **

**"Well, Ron, Hermione is in no need of stupid suggestions."Harry says,"She really needs our help and saying stupid things isn't going to help. Be serious, because this really is serious." **

**A woman in a tavern maid's robes walks over to their table,"What'll it be, you three?"**

**"Three Butter beers, please."Hermione says quickly. The woman sighs and walks away.**

**"I'm not giving up the baby, or aborting it."Hermione says,"I'm going to keep it and raise it."**

** "And, how do you plan on explaining where it came from when it's born?"Ron asks. **

**"Like I said, Ron, I'm going to pretend to be the baby's father." Harry says with a smile. **

**"What if that doesn't work? What if the person you were with finds out and throws a fit?"Ron says. **

**"Like that'll happen."Hermione laughs, "It'll all be fine, that is, if you don't tell anyone, Ron." **

**"Well, what's the point in _not_ telling anyone? Won't they all find out anyways?"Ron says,"I mean- it's gonna be kinda hard for people _not_ to think you were pregnant when a baby just randomly shows up in your arms one day!"**

** "Ron, do shut up!"Harry says,"We're not telling anyone! Okay? Get it? Got it? Good!"**

** "When the baby comes, then I'll tell people. But, until then, let's keep it on the down-low." ****Hermione says,"Now, let's pretend none of this is happening and let's enjoy life, okay?"**

** Harry and Ron nod their heads 'yes'. **

**The same tavern woman appears with a tray of butter beers and sets them upon the table,"That'll be three galleons." **

**Harry digs into the pocket of his robes and grabs out three galleons and hands them to the woman. She places them into her robes pocket and walks off. **

**Hermione takes a sip of her butter beer and says,"Thanks, Harry. So, you swear on your lives not to mention anything about me being pregnant?" **

**Harry and Ron pinky swear her. "I swear!"Ron says. Harry smiles and kisses her on the cheek,"I swear!" **

**They finish their butter beers within a few minutes and get up from the table."Where to now?" Ron asks. **

**"Maybe we could go shopping. You know- for baby stuff?" Hermione suggests as they walk down the middle of the pub towards the front door. **

**Ron yawns,"Boring." "Well, Ron, where do you want to go, then?" she says meanly. "Honeydukes, obviously!"Ron says with a big smile. **

**A little smirk spreads across Hermione's face,"A couple of squares of nougat does sound pretty nice." **

**"Well, then, let's go!"Ron says happily as he throws open the front door and heads out. Hermione laughs as she exits the pub; Harry following behind her.**

**Ron can be found running along the street towards Honeydukes. "Ron! Slow it down!"Hermione calls after him.**

** Harry laughs a little as they make their way down the street. **

**They soon come upon the entrance to Honeydukes and Harry opens the door for Hermione."Thanks."Hermione says with a smile and heads through the door. **

**Harry walks in after her. **

**The walls are full of sweets, as usual, with everything from chocoballs, to sugar quills, to toffees all packaged in brightly colored papers. **

**Hermione stares at the shelves of sweets and her mouth begins watering.**

**"Oh, boy, I'm so hungry." she says and heads towards a barrel of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. **

**She grabs a popcorn flavored one and shoves it into her mouth. She smacks her lips and the eats a 'flower' flavored one. **

**Ambrosius Flume's wife sees her and shouts,"Hey, you! Stop eating those beans unless you intend to pay for them!" **

**Hermione quickly backs away from the barrel,"I'm sorry!" Harry stares at her, funnily,"Hermione, you okay?" **

**"Y-yeah. I don't know what came over me. Those beans just looked so-"she begins but quickly cuts off when she sees a box of chocolate frogs sitting upon a table,"OOH! Yummy!" And she quickly walks over to the table.**

**She grabs for one to eat and it jumps away from her,"Hey! Come back here!" The frog jumps onto a shelf and Hermione tries to climb after it. **

**"Get a hold of yourself! Hermione!"Harry shouts as he tries to stop her from climbing the shelf. He grabs her by the wrist and pulls her away from the shelf.**

**"But, the froggy!"Hermione pouts. "Hey! Hello? Earth to Hermione!"Harry shouts at her. **

**Ron turns away from the table of chessboard chocolates and looks at Hermione,"Is she okay?" **

**Hermione's eyes widen as she sees a bucket full of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum. **

**She breaks free of Harry's hold and runs towards it; knocking all the gum onto the ground.**

**"Yummy!"She coos as she places a huge piece in her mouth and begins to chew it."That's it! Get your friend out of here!"Ambrosius shouts. **

**Harry grabs Hermione and drags her out of the shop; a giant bubble forming from her mouth. "Pretty!"She says with wide eyes. **

**"Hermione!"Harry shouts,"What the hell is the matter with you?" He snaps his fingers and Hermione stops blowing the bubble. **

**"H-ghryy?"she says and quickly grabs the gum bubble out of her mouth,"Why am I out here?" **

**"You're acting like a fucking psychotic maniac!"Harry says,"You're chasing candy!" "I was?"Hermione says confused. **

**Harry pokes his head into the door of Honeydukes,"Ron, let's go!" Ron drops a blood lollipop back into its bucket and runs out of the shop.**

**"And stay out!"the cries of the Flume couple can be heard as the door shuts.**

**"I really don't know _why_ I was doing that" ****Hermione says as she scratches her head and stands up,"I remember getting a strong craving for those beans and that's the last thing I remember." **

**"Wow! Pregnant witches sure are creepy!"Ron says with his arms crossed."Shut up, Ron!"Hermione shouts,"How would you like a black eye?" **

**Ron shakes a little and backs away from her."Let's get you back to Hogwarts."Harry says grabbing her by the arm,"Maybe you need some rest." **

**And they walk down the street together; heading towards Hogwarts.**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	8. Ugh! One of THEM is my baby daddy!

**Within minutes, the trio arrive back at Hogwarts grounds. **

**"So, Hermione, what do you plan on calling it?" Ron asks. **

**"You know, I never really thought of baby names until now."Hermione says,"I mean- I never even thought about children before now." **

**"Yeah, yeah, I know." Ron says annoyed,"But, say it's a girl- what would you call it?" They took the first couple of stairs towards the main entrance. **

**"Well, if it's a girl, I will call it...Rose." Hermione says with a slight smirk. "And if it's a boy?" Harry asks with a smile.**

** "I'll call it.." Hermione begins, but stops short as she runs into Severus Snape.**

**"And if **_**what **_**is a boy?" he snarls. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all choke back their fear of Professor Snape finding out about her pregnancy. **

**"Uh.. uh..."Ron sputters. Harry quickly cuts in,"Moaning Myrtle is having a baby and we're trying to help her decide on a name!"**

** Snape squints his eyes and stares hard at the beet red Hermione,"Is that so?" "Y-yes, Professor." Hermione stutters nervously. **

**"You three have been acting very strange, lately." he says deeply,"And, I **_**will**_** find out what it is you're acting so nervous about."**

**At that, he sweeps up his robes and walks past them.**

**Hermione reaches the top of the stairs and collapses to the ground with relief. "Hermione? Are you okay!" Harry says quickly. **

**"Oh, yes, I'm alright, Harry." Hermione sighs,"I'm just getting tired of having to hide being p-pregnant. I just wish none of this ever happened."**

** "Well, then, you shouldn't have had sex, silly!" Ron says as he reaches the top of the stairs. **

**Harry helps Hermione up and she spins around to face Ron,"Yes! Because I totally had sex willingly! Ha!" Ron looks at her with a confused look on his face. **

**"You dumb ass! I was blacked out when whoever it was fucked me! So I obviously had no idea what was going on!" Hermione shouts,"Sheesh! Could you be any stupider?" **

**Ron giggles,"Yeah..." Hermione rolls her eyes and heads for the main entrance. Harry follows after her.**

**"I don't get it. What did I say?" Ron says confused,"Uh, hey, you guys! Wait for moi!" And he runs after them. **

**The three make their way into the main hall of Hogwarts where they run into Neville Longbottom. **

**"Oh, uh, hello Harry. Ron. Hermione." Neville says nervously,"Where have you three been?"**

**"Out." Hermione says coldly. Neville looks hurt.**

** "I'm sorry, Nev." Hermione apologizes,"It's just.. things are really complicated right now and I'm just stressed out. That's all." **

**Neville smirks a little. "Oh! You mean between you and Harry? he says,"Yeah, we all knew it would happen eventually.." **

**His toad goes jumping out of his hand and out the door; he chases after it, "Bye, you guys!"**

**"What the hell is everyone talking about?" Hermione says. "I-I don't know.." Harry stutters nervously. **

**"Oh, please! Anyone can see how obvious it is!" Ron laughs,"You two have always liked each other, duh?" Harry turns bright red and avoids Hermione's gaze.**

**"Ha! We don't like each other in that way, do we, Harry?" Hermione laughs looking over at Harry. **

**Harry looks up into her eyes, sadly. "its not like I don't like you..."Ron pats him on the back,"Ha! Who do you think you're fooling?" **

**Harry starts to shake with anger,"Of course I don't like you, Hermione! Because I didn't just tell you a few days back that I did!"**

**Then, he turns to Ron and says,"Will you shut up?" Ron whimpers.**

**Hermione looks at Harry with a confused look on her face,"You were actually serious?" **

**Harry glares at her,"Yes, you stupid idiot, I was!" **

**Hermione blushes a little,"But, I just thought you liked me because I work in a brothel, now. Everyone else seems to like me for that reason." **

**"I've always liked you, Hermione" Harry says nervously,"I just didn't know when the best time to tell you would be."**

** "HA! Yes, because waiting til Hermione found out she's pregnant from some unknown man after blacking out from drinking the alcohol you gave her is totally a good time!" Ron laughs and falls to the floor; rolling around like an idiot. Hermione kicks him,"Ron,do shut up!"**

**"So, Harry, you really do like me?"Hermione says nervously with a slight tint of red to her cheeks. Harry smiles,"Yes, I do." **

**"Even with the whole baby thing?" Hermione says quietly. Harry giggles,"Yes, even with the whole baby thing!" **

**Hermione smiles, then throws her arms around Harry's neck and presses her lips against his. **

**"Ugh.. I think I'm gonna be sick.."Ron says as he crawls away,"See you guys later!" **

**After of a moment of bliss, the two pull apart from one another and stare into each others eyes. **

**Marcus Belby, a Ravenclaw student passes by them,"Get a room, you whores!" Hermione glares at him and he runs up the stairs.**

**"Harry?" Hermione says. Harry kisses her cheek,"What is it?" "You do know that I don't have sex at the brothel, right?" Hermione says questioningly. **

**Harry smiles,"You don't?" Hermione shakes her head no. "I only show them my boobs and give them lap dances. That's about it." Hermione smiles. **

**"But, you're not a virgin so it really doesn't matter if you have sex at your job or not."Harry says. **

**Hermione glares at him,"You asshole! I lost my virginity, yes. But, not by choice! It**_** is **_**your fault, after all!"**

** "**_**MY **_**fault? Puh-lease!" Harry yells, pulling away from her,"You're the dumb ass who drank the wine! I didn't make you do it! You did it of your own free will!"**

** "So? You shouldn't have bought that bottle of wine, then!" Hermione shouts,"You know how I get when we drink alcohol!" **

**"The wine isn't my fault! Maybe you shouldn't have gone into the dungeons, then, idiot! The dungeon thing is your fault!" Harry shouts in her face. **

**"I didn't go to the dungeons of my own free will, idiot! We were in the Commons, remember?" Hermione screams.**

**Just then,****Charity Burbage, the teacher of Muggle Studies, interrupts them. **

**"Is there a problem, here?" she says,"And, what's this I hear about alcohol and wine?" Hermione nervously steps away from Harry,"Uh, nothing, ma'am." **

**"It doesn't sound like nothing to me." Charity says,"Are you two the hooligans responsible for the litter of alcohol bottles in the dungeons? Do you have any idea how long it took Filch to clean that litter up?"**

** "N-no.. we.. we don't drink, ma'am." Harry says nervously,"But, so sorry about him having to clean it. We really need to get going- look at the time!"**

** "I think perhaps you need to come with me to the Headmaster's office."she says with a glare. **

**Hermione punches Harry in the arm, then quietly snarls at him "Why'd you have to start a fight here of all places? We could have been found out and I would have been sent home!" Harry shrugs his shoulders,"You started it. Sorry."**

**The two follow her up the stairs towards the hall where the entrance to Dumbledore's office is located. **

**They reach the stairs and make their way up to Dumbledore's office. They reach the door and push it open. **

**Dumbledore sits upon his big chair at his desk, cooing at Fawkes, his phoenix. "Whose a good phoeny-weenie? You are! Ah.. coochy coochy goo!".  
**

**Charity clears her throat,"Ahem, Professor, these two are here to see you about the littering down in the dungeons." **

**Professor Dumbledore looks up at her,"Go on..." "They mentioned something about alcohol and the dungeons." Charity continues. **

**"Ah, . . Do sit down." he says as he waves his hand and two chairs appear. Hermione and Harry make their way over to them and sit down. **

**"Thank you for escorting them, Madam, you may take your leave now." he says kindly. Charity takes a bow, closes the door and makes her way down the stairs.**

** "..So, what's this I hear about your involvement in the littering of the dungeons?" he says, looking at them over the rims of his small glasses.**

**"Uh, we don't have anything to do with it-"Harry starts, but is cut off by Hermione who places her hand upon his thigh. **

**"Professor, if I may, I can explain." Hermione says. "Well, please do, Ms. Granger." Dumbledore says as he lightly places Fawkes back onto her pedestal. **

**"You see, it technically wasn't our faults." Hermione explains,"We did have alcohol.." "So, then it is your faults?" Dumbledore says.**

**"No, it is not, Professor" Hermione says,"We did get drunk a few nights ago, but, we were in the commons." **

**"And, how does this prove your innocence?" Dumbledore asks,"See- I have alibis from most of the staff and most of the students. Argus claims that some students and one staff member were missing from their rooms the night of the littering. You two and Weasley being some of these mentioned students."**

**Harry looks over at Hermione. "Uh, Professor, may I ask who this staff member was?" Hermione asks. **

**"It was Professor Severus. But, what concern of yours is it?" Dumbledore says as he pops a " Bernie Bott's Every Flavor Bean" into his mouth,"MMM... Crayon."**

_**"Oh, God! Please don't let it be Professor Snape!"**_**Hermione thinks to herself,"**_**But, that would explain why he's been acting weird and saying weird things. Perhaps he could simply be a witness? I need to speak to Harry about this tonight!"**_

_**"**_**As I was saying, Harry found himself in the commons.. I found myself in bed the next morning.. so, as you can see, it wasn't us, Professor." Hermione continues. "**

**So, then, we're innocent, Professor?" Harry asks. "Yes, you're free to leave."Dumbledore says, waving his hand towards the door.**

**Hermione and Harry stand up from their seats,"Thank you, Professor!"**

**As they approach the door, Hermione turns towards Dumbledore. "Just one more thing, Professor." She says,"Who were these other students you mentioned?" **

**Dumbledore sighs,"And, why does this concern you, Ms. Granger?""Uh.. because the alcohol bottles you found were mine.."Harry says nervously. **

**Dumbledore eyes him. **

**"Well, they were mine, but, they were.. uh, missing when I woke up the next morning." Harry explains,"And, so, it, uh, would help me figure out who stole them and-" **

**"You could just tell us and we can do some investigating, Professor." Hermione says quickly, cutting Harry off,"We can figure out who stole them which then would show you who the culprit was that littered the dungeons."**

**"Hmm.. interesting idea." Dumbledore says, eating another Every Flavor Bean,"Alright, I'll tell you then. The students were, you two, Ron Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Padma Patil and Parvati Patil." **

**"Thank you, Professor."Hermione says,"As soon as I find the culprit, I will let you know."**

** "One thing before you go, Potter." Dumbledore says,"Would you or Ms. Granger like a bean?" He holds up a box full of Every Flavor Beans. **

**Hermione takes one look at them and freaks out. "Gimme! Gimme!" Hermione says as she attempts to snatch the box from his hands.**

** "Uh, no thank you, Professor!" Harry says quickly as he pulls Hermione back through the doorway,"Have a great day!" He shuts the door behind him.**

**He snaps his fingers in front of Hermione's face and she snaps out of her candy trance. "Harry? Where am I?"Hermione says. **

**"You went into a candy trance, again!" Harry explains,"Pregnant witches sure are scary!" Hermione rolls her eyes,"Hehe.. very funny!" **

**"We need to go find Ron!" Harry says,"If what Dumbledore says is true, then, those people are your answer to who your baby daddy is." **

**"Oh, God! Don't remind me!" Hermione says.**

**All of a sudden, a queasy feeling overtakes her and she vomits right onto the floor. "You alright?" Harry asks. **

**"Yeah.. just, the idea of any of those people being the father of my baby sickens me!" Hermione says as she wipes off her mouth.**

** "Why couldn't it have been someone else? Someone... cute, you know?" she cringes. A saddened look crosses Harry's face,"Yeah.." **

**"Well, shall we get going?" Hermione asks him,"We'll go find Ron and then we'll meet by the cake in the Commons, alright?" **

**Harry nods his head 'yes' and they make their way down the stairs.**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	9. Dwindling Down the Suspects

**As they reach the end of the stairs, Hermions hurls a little. **

**"_I just don't believe it. My worst nightmares could possibly have come true. Somebody just shoot me!" _she thinks to herself.**

** "You okay?" Harry asks, looking over at her. Hermione half smiles and sticks her thumb up. **

**"Alright, well.. if I was Ron, where would I be?" Harry says out loud to himself.**

**As they make their way down the hall, an awkward silence begins to form between the two.**

**_"I'd love to be Hermione's baby daddy. But, I'm sure she wouldn't be too happy." _Harry thinks, sadly,"_But, if I am, then I'll love that damn baby!"_**

**Hermione walks behind him, thinking about the many people who were out that night who could be the possible baby daddies:**

**"_Draco..Crabbe..Goyle..Me...Padma...Parvati...Ron...Seamus... and Harry... I think that's everyone.."_**

**Harry continues walking down the hall,"Hermione, any idea where Ron would be?" **

**Hermione snaps out of her chain of thought,"Oh, um. What was that, Harry?"**

** Harry rolls his eyes and turns to face her,"I said- Any idea where Ron would be?" **

**Hermione rubs her chin,"Hmm.. perhaps the boy's dorm?" Harry smirks a little,"Sounds about right. Let's go there."**

**They make their way to the stairs leading to the common room.**

**Step. Steppity. Steppy. Step.**

**At the top of the stairs, Hermione catches her breath and then they walk up to the portrait. **

**The Fat Lady is busy applying some sort of cream to her body, unaware of Harry and Hermione's presence.**

**Harry coughs a little.**

**The Fat Lady doesn't even notice as she begins to apply the cream to her chest.**

**Harry coughs a little louder.**

**Still no sign of her noticing them as she begins applying the cream to the top of her breast.**

**"HEY, FAT LADY! Can't you see we're standing here?" Harry shouts,"It's not like we're standing here for our Bloody health!"**

**The Fat Lady looks at Hermione. "Oh! Hermione, dear! I didn't see you there!" She says, with a smile on her cream covered face. **

**"Uh, Hi, Fat Lady" Hermione says. Harry growls,"You know, I'm here, too!" **

**"Oh, sorry Harry, I didn't see you!" The Fat Lady says, waving her cream covered hand at him,"Anyway- password?" **

**"Hoogeballs!" Harry says, annoyed. The portrait swings open and they step inside the common room.**

**"I'll wait down here on the arm chair."Hermione says,"Go up and get Ron- if he's there." **

**Then she takes a seat upon the arm chair and stares at the semi-moldy cake upon the table.**

** "Alright, I'll be back." Harry says as he ascends the stairs up to their rooms.**

**Steppy. Step. Step!**

**Harry turns toward the direction of the boy's dorm and starts walking down the hall. As he approaches the door, he stops short.**

**Quiet but audible moaning and smacking noises can be heard inside of the room. **

**"_I wonder if that's Ron."_ Harry thinks,_"But, there's no way in hell he's getting lucky! And, there's also no way in hell the others would get lucky, too!" _**

**Harry shrugs as he places his hand upon the doorknob, "Well, I guess we'll just have to see.."**

**He turn the doorknob and slowly pushes it open. It slowly creaks open and reveals a darkened room.**

**Harry flicks on the lights.**

**FLICK!**

**There, in the corner of the room, Harry finds Ron and Seamus Finnigan. Their arms are around one another and their lips are pressed together. **

**Harry's eyes open wide. _"Bloody hell! Ron's gay! Imagine that!"_**

**Harry coughs really loudly and Ron and Seamus practically jump out of their skins.**

**"H-harry! I didn't see you there!" Ron says quickly as he grabs for a book from underneath the nearest bed,"Me and Seamus were just studying!" **

**Harry eyes him and Seamus,"Studying, eh?" Seamus turns bright red,"Y-yes!"**

** Harry looks at the book in Ron's hands,"You were studying Playwitch? Interesting subject.."**

**Ron and Seamus turn bright red. "Uh.. I just remembered something I have to be doing!" Seamus says nervously and quickly gets up. **

**"Nice seeing ya, Harry!" he says with a wave and runs out of the room. **

**Ron avoids Harry's gaze. "You know, Ron, it's fine if you're gay and all." Harry says,"It's not like I really care. Just tell me and Hermione. We are your friends, you know?" **

**"I-I am not gay!" Ron says meanly, "Your eyes were playing tricks with you!" **

**Then he gets up and throws the book onto the nearby bed,"What the hell are you doing here, anyways?"**

**Harry scratches his head at the awkward moment,"Hermione and I were looking for you. Dumbledore just gave us a list of possible baby daddies without him knowing it!" **

**A big smile spread across Ron's face, "Oh, goodie! This should be fun!" **

**He claps his hands a little and walks over to Harry,"Keep whatever you think you saw to yourself, k?"**

** Harry rolls his eyes,"Let's go downstairs. Hermione is waiting for us."**

**They head out of the boy's dorm and down the stairs in awkward silence.**

**Steppity. Step. Step.**

**Hermione sits upon the arm chair, crying into one of the arms. **

**"Oh, Hermione, dear! Are you alright?" Ron asks as he runs over to her and sits upon the love seat. Hermione sniffles a little and looks up at him.**

** "I'll be okay, Ron" she says sadly,"I'm just worried about my baby's father. I don't want it to be any of the people on the list! I don't want to be a mother!"**

**Ron places a hand upon her arm,"It'll be alright! You've got Harry and I!" Hermione smiles a little and wipes away her tears as Harry takes a seat beside Ron. **

**"Alright, now let's get down to business." Harry says,"We all know where Hermione was that night. I know I ended up waking up in a broom closet and then going to bed. And you were in bed, too, Ron."**

**"But, Harry, you weren't on that list!" Hermione says quickly with a confused expression upon her face. **

**Harry glares at her,"Your pregnancy must be messing with your brain or something! In case you haven't forgotten- I was confused about my locations that night as well! Remember- I woke up in the broom closet!"**

** Hermione growls at him,"Alright, fine! That rules you out of the list of suspects- didn't want you to be my baby daddy anyways!" **

**Harry looks at her sadly. _"Well, it's good to know you feel that way about me..."_**

**"So, that just leaves Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Seamus, Padma, and Parvati." Hermione says, sadly. "Hermione, you're forgetting someone." Harry says.**

** "Who's that?" Hermione says nervously as she goes over the list in her head. **

**"Didn't Dumbledore also mention a certain staff member missing?" Harry says slyly. **

**Hermione scratches her chin as Ron gets all giddy at the thought of a suspected staff member.**

**"I bet I know who it is?" Ron says excitedly,"It's Snape, isn't it?" Hermione's eyes practically bulge out of her head,"Wha-? No!" **

**"Actually, that's correct, Ron." Harry says with a shiver,"It would explain why he's been acting so weird lately." **

**Hermione hides her face in her hands,"It can't be! I wanna rule him out right this instance! The thought just sickens me!"**

**"But, we can't, Hermione." Harry says. "Don't ya want child support when the kid is born?" Ron says. Hermione rolls her eyes at him. **

**"So your list of suspects are as follows: Crabbe, Goyle, Draco, Seamus, and Snape." Harry explains. "What about Padma and Parvati?" Ron asks. **

**"What are you- stupid?" Harry laughs,"As if Padma and Parvati could get Hermione pregnant! They're chicks!" Hermione laughs out loud.**

**"It's not very nice to laugh at people." Ron says with a frown,"Especially the certain person who knows the whereabouts of Seamus that night." **

**With that, he crosses his arms.**

**"Tell us, Ron! Please?" Hermione begs,"I promise not to laugh at you, again!" Harry looks at Ron and he glares at Harry. **

**_"Ahh.. yeah. I know where Seamus was. But, I won't say anything out loud." _**

**"That's alright, Hermione, he doesn't need to tell you. But, I know Seamus isn't a suspect. Trust me." Harry says. Ron half smiles at Harry as Harry winks at him.**

**"Alright, so, what do we do now?" Hermione says. "Well, we find out where Crabbe, Goyle, Draco, and Snape were that night." Harry says.**

** "But, How?" Hermione says, upset,"We can't exactly just go up to them and say 'Where were you?'"**

** "I know that." Harry says,"But, we can do some investigations of our own." **

**Harry explains,"What we can do is ask around to people who we know we can trust who know these people."**

** "Ah.. I see!" Hermione says,"Well, then, I'll ask Padma and Parvati if they saw any of these suspects that night at work."**

**Then she gets up out of the arm chair. "I'll see you guys, later! I really want to get this over with." And she runs out of the common rooms. **

**"Wanna do some investigations with me, Ron?" Harry asks,"And, don't worry- your secret is safe with me." Ron turns white in the face,"What secret?"**

**Harry laughs as he heads out of the common room. Ron runs after him,"Oi, Harry! What secret?"**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	10. The Good News Is

**"You're sure you didn't see any of them?!" Hermione says, shocked.**

** Her, Parvati, and Padma are dancing on the bar of the brothel hidden below the statue of the witch.**

**"Seriously, Hermi, I didn't." Padma says as she dips low onto the bar and a Hufflepuff shoves a dollar bill into her G-string. **

**Parvati sashays towards them. "I saw Crabbe in here that night." she says as she collects a five dollar bill from some Ravenclaw kid. **

**Hermione almost falls off of the bar with joy. "Oh my, you're a life saver!" She says as she hugs Parvati. They both wiggle a little on their stilettos.  
**

**A bunch of guys and some girls start whistling. "Yeah, Baby! Do that again, you two, only this time use some tongues!" a Slytherin boy whistles. **

**Hermione rolls her eyes as her and Parvati start to dance together,"But, you didn't see Goyle at all?" **

**Parvati shakes her head no as she dips low, rubbing her butt against Hermione's legs. **

**Hermione smacks her butt in frustration,"Darn it! Where could he have been that night?!" **

**"Why is it so important to you?" Padma asks as she begins to dangle from a pole above the bar. **

**Hermione blushes a little,"Uh.. he stole something from me and I want it back." Padma hangs upside down from her ankles,"Oh.. okay.."**

**More whistles come from the crowd of onlookers. Hermione begins to shake her breasts at Parvati.**

** "Want me to talk to him?" Parvati suggests, shaking her boobs at Hermione.**

**"Uh.. yeah, sure.." Hermione says, groping Parvati's breasts,"Just ask him where he was.. because I think he may have been near our common room that night."**

**"Okay, no problemo. Sound like I can do that easily." she says as she dips low again. **

**Hermione smiles at her. _So, that's one down.. I had really hoped it wasn't Crabbe! Last thing I wanted was for him to be my baby daddy and to have given me crabs! ugh!_**

**She dips low for a Hufflepuff guy as he drops a 5 into her cleavage. "Never thought I'd see you here!" he laughs,"But who gives a fuck?! Now turn around!"**

**Hermione rolls her eyes as she turns around and waggles her butt in front of his face. **

_**While I hate being pregnant, at least it comes with some perks- I won't be able to do this job much longer or else I'll be discovered!**_

**With an annoyed smirk, she continues dancing upon the bar.**

_**Now to find where Draco, Goyle... and P-Professor Snape were... *gulp* **_

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	11. My Worst Nightmare

**Hermione dresses down for the day and heads out the back stairs.**

**"Hey, Hermione!" Harry shouts from down the hall.**

**Hermione's heart skips a beat, nervously.**

**"H-hey, Harry!" she says, with a wave,"Just getting off work- what's up?!"**

**"I found out where Draco was!" he says with a grin.**

**Hermione sighs in relief.**

**"Oh my goodness, really?! Where?! And.. how?!"**

**"Well, let's just say our resident poltergeist ended up spotting him sneaking around outside..." Harry says quietly.**

**"And?!" Hermione says, impatiently.**

**"Well.. let's just say he was sneaking off to a certain tree that used to house a certain werewolf.." He says, laughing.**

**Hermione guffaws, slapping her knees and running out of breath.**

**"You gotta be kidding me!" she laughs,"He's gay?! Oh.. this is so awesome!"**

**Harry smiles at her,"I know, right?! So, who does that leave?"**

**A look of worry spreads over her face.**

**"H-hermione? Are you okay?" he asks, trying to catch her eye as she slumps to the floor.**

**Sitting back against the wall, she starts to cry.**

**"What's wrong?" he says, taking a seat beside her.**

**She grabs him around the chest and starts to cry into his shoulder.**

**"...Goyle... and.. and..." she cries.**

**"And, who?!" Harry says, softly, caressing her cheek.**

**She gulps as she readies herself to say the last person.**

_**"It can't be Snape. It can't! It just can't!"**_

**"Well... well... well..." comes the all too familiar voice of none other than Professor Snape.**

**Hermione jumps a little, trying to staunch the flow of tears.**

**Harry stands up quickly and tries to help her up.**

** "What do we have here?" Snape says, viciously, eyeing them.**

**"H-Hermione was felling sick, sir." Harry says, quickly.**

**Snape glares at Hermione as she tries to avoid his gaze.**

**"She's been crying non-stop and hasn't eaten much." Harry explains.**

**"And, pray tell, why is that, Ms. Granger?" Snape sneers.**

**"She lost Crook-" Harry begins, but is cut off by Snape's raised hand.**

**"I believe Ms. Granger can speak for herself." Snape glares at Harry,"Five points from Gryffindor."**

**He turns towards Hermione and eyes her.**

**She whimpers a little and avoids his gaze.**

**"Crookshanks has gone missing." she says quietly.**

**Snape glares at her.**

**"Oh, if only that were the truth." he sneers with an evil smirk on his face,"You're hiding something and I will get it out of you."**

**He turns away from them and walks down the hall, his robes swishing behind him.**

**"That was close..." Harry barely whispers, almost so quietly Hermione can't hear him.**

**"Five points from Gryffindor for lying to me, Mr. Potter!" Snape snaps from over his shoulder,"And five from Ms. Granger for..."**

**Hermione's breath catches in her chest as she awaits the rest of his sentence.**

**Harry glares at Snape's back and flips him off.**

_**"For what?! FOR WHAT?!" **_

**Chills make their way down Hermione's spine as she watches Snape walk away.**

**********An air of mystery surrounds them.**

**He reaches the end of the hall.**

**Turning around slowly, he glares down at Hermione, catching her eye.**

**Her face turns bright red as he eyes her, a hint of mystery in his eyes.**

**She gulps a little, fighting the feeling to run away or do anything rash.**

**She grabs for Harry's hand and grips it hard.**

**Harry turns to look at him, but Snape glares at him, daring him to continue looking.**

**Harry quickly averts his eyes.**

**Hermione takes one last look at Snape.**

**He smirks and then mouths something short.**

**She looks at him confused, then averts her eyes.**

**Harry looks back and he's gone.**

**"What the fuck was that?!" Harry says, annoyed.**

**Hermione's face turns bright red.**

**She starts to grip his hand as hard as she can, falling to the ground. **

**"Hermione?!" he shouts as she hits the ground, passed out.**

**A few students look around and some even approach closer.**

**"Is she.. dead?" asks a Ravenclaw first year.**

**Harry glares at him,"Someone help me! We gotta get her to Madame Pomfrey!"**

**"I'll help!" comes the familiar voice of Ginny. **

**She pushes her way through the growing crowd of on lookers and towards them.**

**"What happened?!" she says, worriedly, gripping a hold of Hermione's armpits.**

**Harry lifts Hermione up, gripping her feet.**

**"I don't know!" Harry says, worriedly,"I mean, I know what happened before she passed out.. "**

**He trails off as he takes note of how many people are staring now.**

**"But, now is not a good time to tell you." he says, quickly,"Let's get her to the ward and then I'll explain it to you!"**

**They grunt with every step, trying their hardest not to drop her.**

**After what seemed like hours, they finally reached the ward.**

**Banging open the doors, they quickly bring Hermione in and set her upon a bed.**

**Madame Pomfrey rushes over.**

**"Oh, my! What has happened to her?!" she says, quickly, rushing into her office to grab a bowl of water and a hand towel.**

**"I don't know!" Harry says,"I think she passed out!" **

**Madame Pomfrey quickly places the wet towel on Hermione's head and inserts a thermometer in her mouth.**

**"Is she going to be alright?!" Ginny asks worriedly.**

**"I believe so, yes." Madame Pomfrey says,"Looks like she got overheated a little and passed out. Nothing that a little healing potion can't cure."**

**Smiling, she heads back into her room.**

**At her absence, Harry quickly proceeds to tell Ginny all that has happened.**

**Ginny's jaw dropping lower and lower with every step of the story.**

**A few minutes later, Madame Pomfrey returns with a purple vial. **

**She uncorks the bottle and inserts a dropper. **

**"It'll be a while before she wakes up." Madame Pomfrey says, dropping some of the liquid into Hermione's ear,"So, I'd say come back in an hour or so."**

**"Oh, do we really have to leave?!" Ginny says, worriedly. **

**Madame Pomfrey smirks, then shakes her head 'yes', "She'll need a little rest to help her wake up."**

**Harry frowns a little and gets up from his place beside Hermione. **

**"Wanna go down and see if we can find Ron?" he asks Ginny. **

**Ginny smiles at him and follows him out of the ward.**

**They make their way to the Great Hall where they find Ron telling a few Gryffindor first years Quidditch tales. **

**His hands soaring through the air; making wooshing and crashing noises with his mouth.**

**Ginny laughs at him as they approach the Gryffindor table.**

**"Oi, Harry. Ginny!" he says, waving,"I was just telling my little friends here all about our many Quidditch adventures. Care to join us?"**

**Harry shakes his head 'no'.**

**"You gotta come with us, Ron!" Ginny says quickly,"Hermione passed out and she's up in the ward right now!"**

**"What?!" Ron says worriedly,"What happened to her?!"**

**"We'll tell you all about it on the way there." Ginny says.**

**"Let's just say it has something to do with a certain lovely professor." Harry says sarcastically as they exit the Hall.**

**"I heard that filthy mudblood up and passed out cause of Snape taking away fifteen points from Gryffindor!" **

**Harry glares to find an annoying group of Slytherins laughing in the Entrance way surrounding none other than Draco Malfoy.**

**"Can it, Malfoy!" Harry yells, approaching the group.**

**"Oh, look! Potter and the Weasley filth have decided to join us!" Draco laughs,"I heard about your little mudblood friend!"**

**"Quit calling her that!" Ginny snaps, her hands clinched into fists.**

**"Oh, struck a nerve, did I?!" Draco says with a smirk.**

**"I wouldn't be getting too big for my britches, Malfoy!" Harry says with a smirk.**

**"Oh, yeah, Potter?!" Draco glares, gripping for his wand in his pocket,"What're you gonna do about it?!"**

**"Nothing really.." Harry shrugs,"But I'd hate for your little trip to the Whomping Dildo Tree a couple nights ago to spread around the school."**

**Draco's face turns white as if all the blood had rushed out of it.**

**He glares at Harry.**

**A few Slytherins stare at Draco, with odd looks on their faces.**

**"It's not over, Potter! Wait til I tell Snape about this!" Draco snaps, ignoring all the surrounding students.**

**He growls, followed by Crabbe and Goyle and stomps down the stairs.**

**Harry, Ginny, and Ron stand there laughing as the crowd disperses.**

**"Looks like what you said was true!" Ron says with a smirk.**

**"That's cause it is, silly!" Ginny laughs,"Peeves told Harry about it!"**

**Ron starts to burst out into another fit of laughter.**

**"That... that's just.. classic!" he giggles, slapping his knees.**

**Ginny pats his back to help him catch his breath.**

**"We should head up and see Hermione, now!" Harry says leading the way up the stairs.**

**Step. **

**STEPPITY. **

**STEP. **

**STEP!**

**They quickly arrive at the ward, having run-walked the whole way.**

**"H-hey, you guys!" comes a soft voice belonging to Hermione.**

**They rush over to her.**

**"Hermione! Are you okay?!" Harry asks.**

**"I-I'm fine. I passed out due to stress and a fever." Hermione says weakly.**

**"Oh, thank goodness you're not dead!" Ron says dramatically, falling over backwards onto the foot of her bed.**

**Hermione giggles a little.**

**"So, what exactly happened?" Harry asks, confused,"Did Snape really scare you that bad?!"**

**Hermione's face drains of what remaining color she had.**

**She nods her head 'yes' rapidly, choking back tears.**

**They look at her confused.**

**"What was it that scared you so bad?!" Ginny says, patting her hand.**

**Hermione bursts out in tears.**

**"I.. I'm too scared to say it out loud.." she cries.**

**"Why don't you whisper it in my ear?" Ginny says, soothingly.**

**Hermione smiles weakly.**

**"O-okay.." she says quietly, putting her mouth to Ginny's ear.**

**As she whispers, the room seems to grow colder and colder with every word.**

**Ginny's jaw dropping more and more with every little stutter Hermione makes.**

**At the last word, Ginny jumps back.**

**"WHAT?!" she says, shocked.**

**Harry and Ron look towards her and Hermione, impatiently.**

**"What did she say?!" Harry says, quickly, looking at the crying lump in the bed.**

**Ginny whispers into Ron's ear quickly. **

**Ron's eyes widen and he takes a seat upon the empty bed beside them, looking as if he's in shock.**

**"Hurry up and tell me!" Harry says impatiently. **

**Ginny runs over and quickly whispers into his ear.**

**"The basic gist is this..":**

**"Hermione's been having dreams about the guy she was with.."**

**"He was sort of bigger than us.."**

**"He had a deep and familiar voice.."**

**"He had black hair..."**

**"They were in the dungeons.."**

**"And, what Snape had mouthed to her was the word 'Sex'."  
**

**Harry's eyes widen in shock.**

**"WHAT?!" Harry says loudly,"I'm gonna fucking kill him!"**

**Hermione sniffles a little.**

**"Please, Harry! Don't do anything!" Hermione begs in between crying.**

**"Why not?!" Ron says, jumping off of the bed.**

**"That asshole can't get away with this!" Ginny snaps.**

**"I don't want anyone to know about the..." Hermione cries.**

**Then quietly says, "Baby."**

**"Like Harry's been saying, Hermi- everyone is bound to find out, soon!" Ron says, his hands in fists.**

**"Well, yes.. but, until I'm showing, I want no word of this." Hermione says, looking around at them.**

**"And, then, when you are showing? What then?" Harry asks.  
**

**"We'll tell Dumbledore.." Hermione sighs.**

**"What?! The truth or-?" Ginny says, looking from Hermione to Harry.**

**Hermione sniffles a little, new tears falling from her eyes and down her cheeks,"The truth. Ev****en if it gets all of us into trouble."**

**"Why would it?!" Harry yells, his teeth clenched,"He deserves to go to Azkaban!" **

**"Please, Harry! Keep your voice down!" Hermione begs, looking up at him sadly.**

**Harry's chest clenches in anger,"Fine."**

**Hermione smiles a little at him.**

**"My worst nightmare has come true.." she sighs.**

**"So, what're we going to do, then?" Ginny asks.**

**"Well, until I show, we're not going to say anything." Hermione explains,"I'll wear as many robes as I have to."**

**An awkward silence fills the room.**

**"So, until then, we just gotta get ready for the... arrival!" Ginny says happily.**

**Hermione smiles at her weakly.**

**Ginny pats her on the hand,"It may be... _his.. _but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look forward to it!"**

**Hermione nods her head.**

**"And, you didn't want to abort it.." Ron whispers,"Or give it up.. so what other options do you have?"**

**Hermione starts to cry again, laying back in bed. **

**"I think we should give her some alone time." Ginny says, looking at Harry and Ron. **

**They nod their heads in agreement.**

**Harry gently kisses Hermione on the forehead.**

**Ron and Ginny bend down to give her hugs.**

**"Are you going to spend the night in here?" Harry asks her.**

**She weakly nods her head 'yes'.**

**Harry smiles back at her.**

**Then, together, they exit the ward, Hermione's small cries following them out.**

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	12. Why me!

Hermione Granger rustles in her sleep, a strange dream coming back to her.

_A dark haired man leans above her, thrusting deeper and deeper, moaning out her name._

_With one last; hard thrust, he screams and comes inside of her._

_His eyes widen in shock as he pulls out, looking to see a milky white substance dripping from them both._

_"Great! Just Great!" He growls, ripping the condom off._

_She moans a little, his yelling hurting her head,"What's wrong?"_

_The man growls and pulls her up off the bed._

_She gasps when Severus Snape's face comes into view._

_Snape growls and kisses her fiercely. _

_Without warning he spins her around, throws her forward and instantly penetrates her again._

_She screams as he continues thrusting, her cries drowned out by the pillow._

_Everything goes black..._

Hermione jerks awake, screaming.

Heavy and quick footsteps make their way towards her as Madame Pomfrey rushes over.

"Hermione dear, are you alright?!" she says, quickly, placing a small white rag upon her forehead.

Hermione cries a little and nods her head 'yes'.

Madame Pomfrey smiles a little and gently pours a pink liquid into her mouth.

She smiles a little more as her eyes flutter backwards into her head.

"Poor girl.." Madam Pomfrey says, slipping the vial of sleeping potion back into her robes.

Hermione's dreams come back to her..

_She awakens to find herself on her stomach, a sleeping Snape beside her._

_His loud snores irritating her head. _

_She moans a little and sits up in bed. _

_Looking around, she sees a lot of used condoms, bottles, and sex toys strewn all over the room._

_She grips her head and lays back down._

_Sleep overcomes her and she blacks out._

Hermione awakens to the soft gentle touch of a hand upon her cheek.

She smiles a little, her eyes still closed, and rubs her face against the hand.

"Ms. Granger. So nice of you to have woken up." comes the vicious voice of none other than Severus Snape.

Hermione's eyes jerk open and she jerks away from him.

"P-professor Snape?!" she says, surprised, shocked, and scared,"What're you doing here?!"

"I came to see how you were... feeling.." he says, eyeing her evilly.

Hermione gulps a little and avoids his eyes.

"I'm feeling much better, now.." she says,"I've just been on a dumb liquid diet.. you know how unappealing us... Mudbloods are!"

Severus eyes her suspiciously.

"Are you sure about that?" he says, with a smirk,"Because, as I recall, there has been a lot of vomit coming from you."

Hermione blushes nervously.

"I...I.. I have bulimia!" she says, quickly,"I really hate how I look."

Snape glares at her,"You're not lying, now, are you, Ms. Granger?"

Hermione blushes a little more,"I'm not, Professor. Why would I lie to you?"

Snape frowns,"Fine! If you won't tell me, I'll find out! Five points from Gryffindor, on account of Ms. Granger lying to me!"

Hermione glares at him,"But, Professor! I'm telling you the truth!"

Snape twirls his robes around him and walks out of the ward.

Hermione gives a little cry and falls backward into her bed.

"Why?!" she says quietly and begins to cry again.

_"I can't even get sleep.. I'm haunted by my dreams and reality!"_

_"Why can't I just take back what happened?!" _

_"I'm never drinking again! NEVER EVER EVER!"_

She folds her arms across her chest and closes her eyes.

_"Why me?!"_

_*Sigh*_


	13. Let's Go Shopping!

**Harry returned to the ward that night to visit Hermione.**

**Hermione perked up instantly when she saw him; a much better sight than Severus.**

**"Harry!" she shouted happily,"I'm feeling much better now!"**

**Harry smiles as he sits down upon the foot of her bed.**

**"So, given your.. situation.. any more though?" he asks her, holding her hand.**

**"Well, there's not exactly much that I can do about it.." she says,"Plus.. I think he's starting to know.."**

**Harry looks at her shocked,"Really?! How do you know?!"**

**Hermione shivers a little in disgust,"Well, I woke up to find him petting my face right after I had had a dream about exactly what happened that night."**

**"That bastard was in here and no one did anything?!" Harry says angrily, punching the bed.**

**Hermione frowns a little and shakes her head 'no'.**

**Harry growls a little,"That does it, we have to tell Professor Dumbledore!"**

**"No, Harry, Please! I don't want everyone to find out until they really have to!" she begs him, gripping his arm.**

**Harry grits his teeth and sits down upon the bed.**

**"Aren't they going to find out when we start buying.." he begins, then lowers his voice,"Baby stuff?!"**

**"They won't know if we tell them it's for Myrtle!" Hermione says with a smirk.**

**Harry laughs a little,"You really do know everything, don't you?!"**

**Hermione blushes a little.**

**Just then, Ron and Ginny make their way towards them, singing a little tune.**

**Ginny spots Hermione wide awake and grins,"Hermione! How are you feeling?!"**

**Hermione smiles,"I'm feeling much better!"**

**"Snape is up to something!" Harry says angrily,"Hermione woke up to find him stroking her face!"**

**"Do you think he knows?!" Ginny says worriedly.**

**"I don't think so..." Hermione says, trying not to think about him.**

**"Well, let's put all this horrible rubbish behind us!" Ron says, taking her by the hand,"We're gonna go Shopping!"**

**Hermione laughs a little as she gets up out of bed.**

**They walk over to Madame Pomfrey's office and look in.**

**"Hey, Madame, I'm feeling much better now!" Hermione says happily,"Would it be okay if I left?!"**

**Madame Pomfrey shakes her head' yes' and bids them goodbye.**

**"Before we head out, I have to get my regular clothes on!" Hermione says as they head back down to the Gryffindor Common Room.**

**They make their way up to the portrait of the Fat Lady where she is busy making out with a shaggy haired man from one of the paintings from the third floor.**

**Harry coughs loudly, making the man hastily rush out of the portrait and the Fat Lady glaring at him.**

**"Now, why'd you have to go and do that?!" she growls, her arms crossed against her chest.**

**"Hermione just got out of the ward and needs her clothes!" Ginny says calmly,"Can she please go in?"**

**The Fat Lady stares her down,"Not without a password, she can't!"**

**"Fine!" Hermione says, rolling her eyes,"Let me think for a second..."**

**"It's tigolebitties!" Ginny says, stomping her foot,"Now, let Hermione in!"**

**The Fat Lady growls and swings forward.**

**They step through the entrance way and Hermione rushes up the stairs to get her robes on.**

**"Should we help buy some things for her?" Ron asks them, digging through his pockets.**

**"Well, Duh! We're going to get to be its' godparents!" Ginny says happily.**

**"I'll definitely help!" Harry says with a slight blush to his cheeks,"I mean, I'm supposed to be the father."**

**A few minutes later, Hermione comes climbing down the stairs from the girl's dorms.**

**"Ready?!" She says, tugging on her last sleeve.**

**They all head out the common room door and down the stairs towards the Entrance Hall.**

**Neville runs past them chasing after his toad as usual, but stops suddenly to speak with them.**

**"Did you hear?!" he says in an annoyed voice.**

**"What's up, Neville?" Harry asks him.**

**"Supposedly some people have heard that Dumbledore is having our uniforms updated." Neville says, then runs off after Trevor.**

**Hermione starts to worry, fanning her face with fear.**

**"Oh, please don't let it be drastic!" She says worried.**

**"Don't worry, Hermi- Dumbledore love robes. I don't think he's gonna do anything dumb!" Ron says, patting her on the back.**

**"Oh, I really hope not!" Hermione says, worried,"I really can't afford to let people know about this early.."**

**"Why? It's not like the time people find out is really going to matter." Ron says, rolling his eyes,"You're gonna have a baby either way!"**

**"Yes, but, if I'm correct, my..." then dropping her voice, she continues,"Baby, should be born around the end of this school year."**

**"Ahh, that makes sense, then." Ron says scratching his head.**

**"Anyway, we should get going before it's too late!" Ginny says rushing them down the stairs.**

**Filch does the usual checking and patting down for magical items and then they're off towards Hogsmeade.**

**"Where to first?" Hermione asks them, looking around the town.**

**"How about Griselda's Stork Imports?" Ginny says,"It's hidden down an alleyway- no one would ever suspect we're going in there.."**

**"And, what happens if someone does see us?! Then what?!" Hermione starts to worry again.**

**"If they do, we'll tell them we're shopping for Moaning Myrtle!" Harry says,"It won't be quite the lie.. she is having a baby after all!"**

**Hermione smiles at him,"You outsmarted me, Harry!"**

**Then she quickly pecks him upon the cheek as they begin to hold hands.**

**They make their way down the alleyway mentioned by Ginny and straight through the door of Griselda's.**

**The sound of a stork echoes through the door.**

**"Welcome! Welcome!" a little old witch wearing a purple shawl shouts as she appears from behind a tall counter,"What can I do for you today?"**

**"We're looking to buy some baby stuff.." Harry explains,"Our friend Myrtle is having a baby and we want to help her out."**

**"Oh, how nice!" the witch squeals,"Well, obviously you're going to want the basics.. and then a few little things just to pamper and spoil the babe!"**

**Within minutes, the witch manages to put together a pile of all the baby essentials.**

**Hermione becomes ecstatic when she spies a little baby witch's hat and throws it upon the pile.**

**The girls take turns going giddy over baby clothes and throwing them onto the pile.**

**"I believe we're finished!" the witch says with a toothy grin as she begins to magic the clothing and items into bags.**

**Hermione and Ginny gather the bags handing them off to Ron and Harry with big grins upon their faces.**

**"That'll be five hundred and thirty galleons, please!" Griselda says rubbing her hands together.**

**Everyone's eyes widen in shock.**

**"I can't afford that.." Hermione says sadly,"I'm sorry, but I'll have to come back.."**

**The woman looks at her sadly,"I'm so sorry.. you poor thing.."**

**"No, wait!" Harry says quickly, pulling a small sack from his pocket,"Let me pay for it all!"**

**Hermione blushes deeply,"No, Harry, you don't..."**

**"I want to!" Harry says with a smile.**

**He hands Griselda the coins and she thanks him with a good firm handshake.**

**They struggle to get the bags out of the store when Ron's eyes open in shock, having spotted a clock in the window of a nearby store.**

**"Oh no! We're late by an hour!" he says, trying to walk quickly.**

**"We're so screwed!" Harry yells as they try to move fast.**

**They make their way out of the alleyway and down the main street, rushing as fast as they can.**

**At the main gate, they stop to catch their breath.**

**"Well, well, well..." comes an evilly screechy voice from behind the gate.**

**They all turn white as they see Filch standing before them.**

**"Out past curfew.. you know the rules.." he growls,"I'm taking you to the Headmaster."**

**And he starts walking towards the school.**

**They struggle through the gate after him but can't walk very fast because of the bags.**

**"Will you four get a move on?!" Filch growls ahead of them.**

**"We're trying but we have too many bags!" Ron says angrily.**

**"Locamotor Bags!" and their bags begin to float in front of them.**

**They look around to find Severus Snape standing beside Filch, an evil smirk upon his face.**

**"You four are way past your bed time..." he says glaring at them,"Nothing a few week's worth of detentions can't cure.. or..."**

**They all gulp, getting angry at Snape but trying to hold their frustration and anger in.**

**"Or, what?!" Harry says, angry.**

**"Or, Ms. Granger can come and have a talk with me in my office. NOW!" He says, eyeing Hermione.**

**Hermione blushes deep red as they glare at Snape.**

**"I'll... I'll come with you..." she says, in a quiet voice.**

**Snape glares at them,"The rest of you- get to your dorms, now, before I give you detentions for the rest of the year!"**

**Ron, Ginny, and Harry head inside, followed by Filch.**

**Severus continues carrying their bags inside, followed by Hermione.**

**He leads the way into the Entrance way and then down the stairs to the dungeons.**

**"Right this way- to my office, Ms. Granger." he says angrily.**

**Hermione follows behind him, shaking with nervousness and fear.**

**They stop outside of his office and he lowers the bags to the floor.**

**"Inside!" he snaps, opening the door.**

**Hermione walks inside and takes a seat in front of his desk.**

**Snape quickly sits down upon his desk, leaning in front of her.**

**"Now, I want to know the truth- what's going on, Ms. Granger?" he says staring down at her.**

**"Wh-what are you talking about, sir?" she asks him nervously.**

**"Don't play daft with me! I know there's something wrong with you." he growls,"The vomiting, the fainting spells and now this?!"**

**"I already told you- I've had bulimia for a while now.." she says, annoyed,"And, I've been fainting because of the bulimia!"**

**"Yet you're buying baby stuff?!" he snaps at her, throwing a pacifier at her.**

**She holds back a shriek as she catches the pacifier.**

**"I..was buying things for Moaning Myrtle.." she says, gulping,"She's pregnant. Did you know that?!"**

**"Like I'm going to believe that one!" he snaps, placing both hands upon her shoulders.**

**Hermione blushes and shakes with nervousness and fear.**

**"Don't pretend that you don't know what happened!" he growls, bringing his face closer to hers,"I know what happened!"**

**Her eyes widen in shock, his mouth mere inches from hers.**

**"What are you talking about, sir?!" she says, nervously.**

**A gasp escapes her mouth as he presses his lips against her fiercely.**

**She tries to pull away but he continues kissing her.**

**A strange warmth invades her body and she begins to kiss back.**

**_What am I doing?! _**

**_I have to stop this, right now!_**

**She quickly slides backwards in her chair and escapes from the kiss.**

**"Sir- I believe I should probably get back to my dorm..." she says, blushing.**

**Snape glares at her.**

**"Leave. Now." he growls and she walks out of the office.**

**"Locomotor Bags!" She yells, flicking her wand at the bags.**

**The bags follow her out of the dungeons, up the main staircase and towards the Gryffindor Common Room.**

**"Tigolebitties..." she sighs as the door opens up and she heads inside.**

**The common room is deserted, except for the flies buzzing around the moldy birthday cake that remains upon the table.**

**She takes the stairs two at a time, rushes through the door and puts the bags down beside her bed.**

**Falling backwards onto her bed, she starts to cry.**

**Tears flow from her eyes as she closes her lids, thinking of what had just happened.**

**"What am I going to do?" she cries, hiccuping a little.**

**Within minutes, she drifts off to sleep, tired out by the recent events that have occurred.**

* * *

**I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.**

**It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.**

**Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.**

**I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.**

**If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.**

**Thanks!**

**-RPG Girl.**


	14. Alone Time

Hermione's eyes slowly flutter open.

The dorm room still dark and full of the snores of sleeping girls.

"Where am I..." Hermione stutters, sitting up in bed.

She looks around and sighs with relief that she isn't somewhere strange.

"_I'm so tired... yet, I can't sleep.."_

_"I need to clear my head.. probably go for a walk down by the lake."_

Yawning, she gets out of bed and walks out of the dorm room.

Walking down the stairs, she begins to close her eyes and meditate in hopes of having a peaceful night.

_"Don't think about what's been going on.."_

_"Just think about happy thoughts..."_

_"Arithmancy.."_

_"Reading.."_

Step.

Steppity.

Step.

Step.

She opens her eyes and smiles as she feels a small weight lift off of her chest.

Her brain finally cleared, she prepares herself to head out of the common room.

Pushing the door open, she heads out into the hallway.

Looking left and right, she heads towards the entrance hall.

"_Please don't let him be there!"_

She takes the first step nervously and glances around.

No movement or sound occurs so she takes the next step.

Nothing..

Quietly, she walks the rest of the stairs and makes it to the bottom without anyone appearing.

Smiling a little, she makes her way towards the front doors.

A squeak sounds behind her.

She jumps a little and looks over her shoulder.

No one is there.

Glaring a little, she carefully opens the doors and steps out.

She breathes in the night air and smiles.

"Finally! I can relax and nothing will bother me!" she says, stretching her arms above her.

Skipping a little, she makes her way down to the lake, enjoying the fresh night air and the glimmer of the light from the moon upon the lake's surface.

She slowly walks beside the lake, skipping stones and giggling a little.

All of a sudden, a shuffle comes from behind her and she quickly turns around to find nothing behind her.

"Harry? Is that you?!" She says nervously.

Quickly, she begins to walk back towards the school, looking over her shoulder with every step.

With a smirk, she quickly stops in her tracks and something bumps her from behind.

"AHA!" She shouts, spinning around.

Harry throws off the invisibility cloak and quickly throws his arms around her.

A small gasp escapes Hermione's mouth as he knocks her backwards onto the ground, toppling on top of her.

Harry laughs as he looks down into her eyes.

She blushes a little and looks up at him.

"Why did you follow me?!" she says.

"I wanted to ask you what Snape wanted!" he says, brushing a strand of hair off of her face.

"He keeps... he keeps wanting to discuss why I'm sick.." she says, nervously, trying to push him off of her.

"What!?" Harry yells, angrily,"We need to tell Dumbledore! He knows, doesn't he?!"

Hermione pushes him away and sits up.

"I was trying to escape all this, you asshole!" she growls,"I just wanted one night of relaxation.."

Harry frowns a little,"Sorry, Hermi.."

Hermione sighs and smiles a little,"It's fine.. as for Snape- we'll just keep letting him ask questions until... you know.."

Harry smirks a little,"Well, okay, then..."

They sit there in the grass for a few minutes, in silence.

The crickets chirp off in the distance and a slight breeze begins to blow around them.

"Hey, Hermione.." Harry says quietly, a slight blush in his cheeks.

"What?" she snaps, looking at him angrily.

"Did you ever.. want to.. get married...?" he says nervously.

Hermione's face begins to burn a little as she quickly looks down at the ground.

"Well, duh!" she says, avoiding his gaze.

They sit there in silence for what feels like forever.

"Would you marry me?" he asks her, his face red like a tomato.

Hermione's breath catches in her throat and she begins to choke.

"A-are you okay?!" Harry asks her quickly.

Hermione glares at him, her face bright red.

"I just figured.. you'll need a man and your baby will need a dad..." he continues on, not noticing her anger.

"You fuckin' asshole!" she yells, slapping him hard across the face.

Harry grabs at his face, looking at her in confusion.

"I can't tell if you're actually mad at me for asking you to marry you.." he says, angrily,"Or just being a bitch cause of your hormones."

Hermione's nostrils flare with anger.

She begins slapping him all over, muttering cuss words under her breath.

With a final slap, which sends Harry's glasses flying, she stands up and stomps back to the front doors.

Harry watches after her, confused.

He sits there for a moment to take in what happened, then begins to look around for his glasses.

"Sheesh, pregnant witches sure are bitches!" he mutters under his breath as he hustles back under the invisibility cloak.

Cussing to himself, he rushes towards the front doors and heads in.

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	15. Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me!

Hermione furiously tiptoes through the school.

Trying her best to hold her anger in, she grips her hands into fists.

"_That damn Harry Potter!"_

_"What does he think he's getting at?!"_

_"I can't believe him!"_

_"Why does life have to be so confusing?!"_

Her thoughts of anger and frustration swirl through her head.

The kiss she had shared with Severus Snape had awoken something strange in her.

She had disliked him with every being of her soul!

And, yet, his little sign of affection.. or possibly lust... toward her had made her curious.

"_I always hated him!"_

_"How ironic is it that the man I hate is the father of my baby?!"_

_"I just wanna kill him!"_

_"Yet, I want to consciously sleep with him!"_

She growls a little as she makes her way up to the Fat Lady.

The Lady snores loudly, her eyes covered with cucumbers.

"Hey, Lady!" Hermione growls,"Wake it the hell up and let me in!"

The Fat lady snorts a little, confused, as she wakes up,"Wh-what?!"

She reaches up and pulls the cucumbers off her eyes.

"Hermione, dear, you really need to stop being out so late!" she says, shaking her fat finger.

Hermione glares at her,"I can do whatever the hell I want to!"

The Fat Lady looks at her shocked,"Well, fine, little miss snappity! If that's the way you want it, I ain't letting you in!"

Hermione shakes with anger,"Oh, but you can't do that! I'm allowed in here! I'm a student, dammit!"

"And?!" The Fat Lady says with an evil smile,"I can. Just watch me."

At that, she puts the cucumbers back onto her eyes and pretends to sleep.

Hermione starts to cuss at her, flipping her off as she walks away.

"_I can't very well walk the halls or Flich will surely find me."_

_"And, I really don't want to stay the rest of the night in a bathroom."_

_"Where am I supposed to go, then?!"_

Frustrated, she begins to wander the halls, thinking to herself of where to go.

A though pops into her head that she just can't seem to shrug off.

Her face bright red as she begins to think about it.

_"Maybe... I could go to the dungeons..."_

_"Perhaps, he'd let me sleep with him.."_

She blushes brighter as her heart begins to beat.

Her blood begins to burn through her veins as she becomes excited and aroused by her idea.

Quickly walking through the school, she makes her way to the great hall and stops to listen.

No foot steps or sounds can be heard as she rushes down the stairs.

Her feet stop at the top of the stairs to the dungeon.

"_I don't know if I should do this!" _

She thinks nervously, her hands in fists.

"_But for some reason, I really want to be with him!"_

Shaking her head, she slowly takes the steps one at a time.

She shakes with nervousness with every step she takes.

_"I really hope this turns out okay.."_

She blushes a little as she reaches the last step and takes a stand in the beginning of the dungeons.

"Well, Hermione, this is it!" She says quietly as she begins to walk towards Severus' office.

Her heart pounds hard in her chest; her palms sweaty.

She approaches his office door and slowly reaches out to the knocker.

Swallowing a small knot in her throat, and taking a deep breath, she slams the knocker once against the door.

It echoes through the dungeons.

She nervously looks around to ensure she doesn't get caught.

Nothing happens.

She slams the knocker again.

Waiting quietly, her heart pounding in her chest, she stands before the door.

_"Well, this was a dumb plan!" _

_"Looks like it's time to go to sleep in Myrtle's bathroom."_

A loud cough from behinds her sends shivers down her spine.

Scared, she quickly jumps and turns around to find Severus Snape standing before her.

"Well, well, well... what do we have here." He says, eyeing her evilly.

Hermione nervously avoids his eyes as she says nothing.

"Come into my office, Ms. Granger." he says, pushing the door open behind her.

She nervously walks into his office.

Closing the door behind her, Severus places both hands upon her shoulders.

Hermione begins to blush, her heart pounding in her chest.

"Emotion is a powerful and irrational master..." he says evilly, his face slowly coming close to her neck.

Hermione gulps a little as she shakes her head 'yes'.

Snape smirks evilly, as his hands grip upon her shoulders.

"There's little doubt that you're indeed its slave, Ms. Granger." he says, brushing the hair away from her neck.

Hermione moans as Snape's mouth clamps down upon her neck.

"You like that, don't you?" he says, biting her neck.

Shivers run down her spine as her legs begin to turn to mush.

She nervously turns around to face him.

Snape's eyes staring down at her, an evil glint glowing in them.

She blushes as he forces his mouth upon hers, pushing her back against his desk.

His arms take their place around her as he balances against her.

She moans against his mouth, as he allows her tongue to enter his.

Fumbling with his robes, Hermione nervously begins to unbutton them.

Snape glares at her, pulling out of the kiss.

"Uh-uh.. patience, my dear.." he says, placing a finger upon her lips.

Hermione blushes as he begins to unbutton her robes.

She moans as he starts to kiss her neck, throwing her robes off in the process.

Pressed against him in just her undershirt and skirt, Snape's hand slowly starts to feel up her thigh.

An intense wave of heat overcomes her as his hand finds its way to her underwear.

Her heart beats fast as his fingers find her moist opening.

Necking her, Snape begins to slide his fingers in and out of her.

She begins to arch her back as he thrusts his fingers harder and harder into her.

Her eyes roll back in his head and then he stops.

She frowns a little, as she looks up at him.

He eyes her viciously, as he slips his robes off.

"Turn around." he says, with a smirk upon his face.

Hermione nervously obliges.

Her heart beats fast as he rips down her underwear.

Snape grasps her shoulders and begins to laugh.

A loud gasp escapes her mouth as he thrusts into her.

"Finally.. after so long...!" he growls,"I always knew you wanted me!"

* * *

I am well aware that some things in this story don't quite go with the series and I know that Harry and Hemrione don't end up together and that Ron is not gay. I understand that a lot of the stuff in my story is ridiculous.

It's a humorous parody of Harry Potter and never meant to go with the story. I wrote this in eighth grade because everyone I knew was super obsessed with Harry Potter and I felt it would be funny to make fun of it.

Everyone in my graduating class liked it so, when I found a few years ago, my friends suggested I uploaded it and so, I did.

I want to thank all you readers, reviewers, followers, and favoriters out there who have stuck with me since I published this story. I shall continue taking your advice, reviews, and criticism to heart and will try my best to update this story and all my other stories more often.

If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to PM me or review my story.

Thanks!

-RPG Girl.


	16. New Uniforms! Oh, no!

Hermione wakes up, her head a little dizzy.

Shock overcomes her when she realizes she's in bed and in her night clothes.

"Did I imagine it all?" she says, looking around.

She pulls the covers back and slips out of bed.

"_What time is it?" _she thinks, noticing the lack of sleeping girls in the dorm.

"Clearly it's not night time anymore.." she says, stooping down in front of her trunk.

She begins picking out her school clothes and putting them on.

"Hopefully breakfast just started." she says worriedly,"I really don't want to miss class!"

Once her clothing is on, she rushes out the door and into the Common Room.

The room is devoid of any students.

"It's definitely gotta be breakfast time!" she says, rushing out of the doorway.

Walking as fast as she can, she manages to make it to the Entrance Hall in a matter of minutes.

The echoes of loud conversation reach her ears and a smile breaks upon her face.

"YES! Just as I thought!" she says, rushing down the stairs and towards the wooden doors of the Great Hall.

She slowly pushes the doors open and is shocked to discover everyone lined up beside the tables.

A few heads turn to face her but most people hardly notice her.

Rushing over to the Gryffindor table, she quickly takes a stand beside Ginny.

"Hermione, where were you?!" Ginny hisses at her quietly.

Hermione ignores her question and says instead,"What's going on, Ginny?!"

Ginny looks around to ensure no one spots them talking, then continues.

"We're being measured.." she says,"Remember what Neville said?"

"About the new uniforms?" Hermione asks and Ginny nods her head 'yes'.

"Well, they're taking our measurements and are going to start working on them." Ginny says, pointing to the back of the room.

Beside Professor Dumbledore, stands a group of five fancily dressed Wizards.

"Who are they?" Hermione whispers, looking them over.

"They're the Queer Eye for the Straight Wizard Guy team." Ginny says with a smirk.

"Who bought them here?" Hermione says, eyeing them.

"Who do you think?!" Ginny giggles,"Which wizard here has the best fashion sense?"

"Dumbledore?!" Hermione says, shocked.

Ginny nods at her, laughing.

"So, we're going to be wearing dress robes as our school uniforms, then?" Hermione asks, with a smile.

"Who knows?!" Ginny shrugs,"They haven't told us exactly what we're going to wear."

Hermione gulps nervously and continues staring at the group of wizards.

A blonde haired wizard wearing black and purple furry robes stands up and claps his hands.

"Alrighty. Measurements for years one through three will be done by moi!" he says, then sits down.

A brown haired wizard with a small red coat on top of a red tank top and long black pants stands up.

"Ello, Ello! I will be doing ze measurements for years four through six!" he says, then quickly takes his seat.

A red haired wizard with a black top hat, silver sequined t-shirt, and green pants stands up with a smile.

"Hey, Everyone! I will be doing the measurements n such for year seven!" he twirls his hair and sits down.

A black haired wizard dressed in similar fashion to Dumbledore stands up and bows at everyone.

"I will be doing the measurements and designs for the Prefect and Head of House uniforms." he says, then sits down dramatically.

The last wizard, wearing a small pink shirt along with white short shorts stands up and smiles at them all.

"The uniforms for all our wonderful teachers and head of school will be designed by me!" at that, he sits down clapping happily.

The Great Hall fills with the chatter of many annoyed students, wondering what the fate of their uniforms is.

"I hope it's nothing dramatic!" Hermione hisses to Ginny, fear in her eyes.

Ginny looks at her nervously,"Me too!"

Dumbledore stands up in front of them and holds his hands high.

The whole room goes silent.

"Thank you, Thank you." He says bowing at the five wizards,"We're really pleased to have you make our uniforms."

The group of wizards bows and waves at everyone, big smiles on their faces.

"How about a round of applause for our guests?" Dumbledore says, eyeing the students.

A small amount of half-hearted claps rings through the room.

Ron and Seamus applaud loudly; some people laughing at them.

Dumbledore raises his hands to quiet the room and continues talking,"Breakfast is now over. Classes may begin."

The tables clear and people start walking towards the exit.

"And- one last thing!" Dumbledore's voice booms out over the hall and everyone stops.

"Expect our new uniforms within six month's time!" he says with a smile.

A gasp escapes Hermione's mouth as everyone begins heading out the doors.

Hermione grabs a hold of Ginny for support,"I really hope they're not bad!"

"I know, Hermi, I know.." Ginny says, holding her up as they exit the Great Hall.


End file.
